Stress relief

A Million Dreams for the World We're Gonna Break

So, life is both good and shitty right now. I don't know how the fuck this happened, but I've somehow managed to possibly lose a close friendship, break down on the daily in class but somehow still get good marks???

I have exams in a couple of days so I'm stress procrastinating and have done essentially no study. I've only got 4 exams (5 if you count that there's two maths ones) and two of them are English based... which you can't really study for other than memorising quotes. I'm doing the easier maths (because I suck at it) and I'll get notes and a calculator for everything so there isn't much to study there except colour coding my notes. So basically I'm only gonna study for music.

So my good ole friendo that I used to rant to? Yeah I think he's mad...and probably wants to tap out of the whole depresso circle. Tbh I don't blame him, like I'm a handful normally and when you add all the other shit it probably gets rly annoying. I've been forcing myself to stay away coz I don't wanna seem like I'm cramping into anyone's space, if he wants to tap out then I get it honestly, no one should be responsible for me so it's cool. It's a lot harder to deal with everything now and breakdowns are happening like twice a day but I'm not gonna drag someone else down for my sake, it's not fair. Legit I've left the notification on my texts for the last message he sent to remind myself like "bitch don't be like that". The little icon frustrates me but I'm gonna leave it, self retraintttttt.

I've been listening to a lot of chill music lately like Mt Washington, rly chill stuff with lots of acoustic instruments. Helps me to calm down sometimes. Honestly I don't know why I'm writing this, everything else just seems so bland right now. I'll watch a video for two minutes and get sick of it, then I'll scroll through social media and get bored after three posts. I don't really have the energy to read or draw either, at least this way I don't think I'll leave before I've actually finished my thoughts. Something continuous I guess, these are normally the moments when I'll text my friend, or when I'm having a bad breakdown. Apparently it's unhealthy to stay like this but I'm not gonna get in anyone's business unless I really need to, I'd rather not lose any more people, I think I'm on thin enough ice already.

The days seem to go a lot slower lately, it's about 10am when I'm writing this and I woke up at 7, it feels like it should be 3:00 already but my sister hasn't even woken yet, given that she did work until one am. I don't really know what to do with myself now, I don't have any goals other than to work through school as best as I can. There's nothing else now, just make it through the day, drone on with life however it comes to me. Then it comes weekend and I get a break, then it'll be Sunday like now and before I know it I'll be back at school, doing the same thing again. It kinda hurts, like an ache right in the middle of my chest all the time, it doesn't go away and it hurts more when I try to actually join the universe in conversation. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore honestly.

I tried searching up career paths the other day, everyone is asking me about what I want to do after high school and I can never tell them. I'm good at English. That's it. I really don't want to become a lexicographer even though that's what all the google searches are telling me. I think I wanna major in linguistics in uni, but after I don't know. Mum says I could work in a communications job, my music teacher said maybe an editor, everyone else says to be a journalist but that's sounds worse than anything else I've gotten thus far.

I think I'm just going to continue as I am, staying out of peoples way and being numb for as long as possible. Can't harm yourself if you don't feel anything right?