She Looks So Perfect

Chapter Eight

Michael's POV

This is becoming a terrible thing, our band. Our lives are so complex that we can't even find time to practice. When we do end up together, Calum has a breakdown, Luke is too tired, Ashton is caught up in his own world. We aren't falling apart as friends, but we never have time for music.

There hasn't been a song written in months.

I feel terrible for Calum. He's lost the love of his life, and to be honest, I think he's trying to get over her by using Christian. I've only been acquainted, but she's a wonderful person. She's perfect for him.

They both have killer senses of humor. He laughs at everything she says, and she can't seem to stop smiling around him. She adores him, but I'm afraid he's going to end up hurting her. Not physically of course, but I don't think he'll ever be fully ready for another relationship.

Let me tell you something about Calum Hood. He treats girls on the outside like he's a player, but get inside his head, and you're the princess. He was once in love; deeply, deeply in love. He was so sure of his love for her, but his heart was shattered when she passed away in a car wreck. He didn't leave his house for months, the three of us and his parents were his only connections with the outside.

I had never seen him like that. Calum is usually the one to laugh about the stupid stuff and tell us that everything will be alright; it was strange switching roles.

I would consider him to just be in another relationship, over Angelica, if it hadn't been only seven months since she died.

~

Tonight is date night. Once a month the guys and I would go out to eat together, and take a girl if we were seeing one.

I would obviously take Alexza. Calum couldn't get Christian all the way here, so she didn't attend. Ash had Cailey, and Luke decided to take Rylie.

We were all surprised by Luke's choice, but he wanted to bring her along. He said he wanted to know more about her. I was just as excited for him as he was.

~

Date night was a flop. Cailey got there an hour late because of a modeling class she was taking. Calum wasn't feeling well, and was of course bummed about Christian not being able to be there. I had fun, but something about Alexza seemed off. She said it wasn't me or the food, but she wasn't acting like she normally would.

"Alexza, can you come with me?" I grabbed her hand and guided her away from the table of chattering friends who didn't seem to notice our departure, "What's up with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

I rolled my eyes. I cared about her well being and she didn't care to answer.

"Alexza, you've barely touched your food or interacted with the group; what's going on?"

She stared at my hand that was still attached to her own. I pulled it away and stared at her until she looked back up, "It's nothing."

I tilted my head, obviously not buying it, "What is it?" I said, sternly but soft at once.

"I can't tell you," she whispered.

Okay, I was really confused, "Why not?"

"It's not a good idea," she said, looking to the porcelain floor.

I kissed her sweetly, "Neither was that, but I felt it was needed. Now tell me," I smirked.

She awkwardly looked at me through her hair, and smiled, walking away.

~

Angelica,

It's been seven months and you're still gone. I mean, I know you aren't coming back, but it's hard not to await your arrival. I've done some things I'm not proud of, babe. I've been a terrible person, and I've forgotten how to be me. It's not your fault, but it's because of you. I miss you, and there's something inside of me making these emotions spill over.

I haven't seen Christian in over a month, and I don't want to. I love you and I miss you. I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you. It's hard for me to say this because it means I have to think about you. That's not the bad part, but every time I think of you, I also think of what happened, and how it was my fault.

I was going to propose to you Angelica. If I would have just waited until you got home and proposed to you there, it would have been okay. But I had to pick the food shop in the middle of Sydney, where all the people are at dinner time, and you happened to be there at the wrong time.

They told me that it was his fault, the guy that hit you. They said if you were there just a second later, you would have been fine. But you aren't fine, and neither am I.

Am I wrong? Is it wrong to mourn for myself? Shouldn't I think about your family? Your mum and dad, or your little brother who couldn't seem to understand why sissy was asleep in the wooden box? All I'm thinking about is how it's not fair to me, how I was so close to finally saying "I love you" and how that would lead me into kneeling to one knee, probably crying and still smiling, waiting for the anticipated "yes" to come from the bottom of your throat, your arms snaking around me, and us crying together as the whole restaurant watch in awe.

I often think about you, too. How long were you alive and conscious after being hit? They said you had broken ribs and a fractured elbow; did that hurt you for too long? What about being trapped in the crushed metal that was once a car? I know about your claustrophobia, did you have a panic attack? Were you okay? I hope your last thought wasn't of me, because I wasn't okay, but I would much rather you not waste your last thought on a fuck up like me.

Did you even love me? I know you said it that once, and I know it hurt you that I didn't say it back. I'm sorry I didn't say it back; I regret that every day. But you have to understand I don't just say it, I mean it. I loved you even then, but I wanted to make it special for you- look how that turned out.

The other day, I swore I saw you. I was going to band practice, and I thought I saw you in your favorite coffee shop. I stared into it, people giving me crazy looks. I didn't go to band practice, but I did cry the whole night away.

Two weeks ago, Ashton told me I needed to get you off my mind, and I needed to take a road trip. The boys planned a trip to Adelaide, but I declined. I didn't want to stop thinking about you, but they insisted on taking me away. They planned many trips, from Perth to Boston in America. One day, I had enough. Ashton came over and tried to coax me into a trip to Boston. We had a little verbal fight, and I ended up pushing him and storming off. I really didn't want to; they were just trying to help me. Actually, we hadn't practiced all week; they were putting off practice to help me. But I didn't care; I yearned for you, and I needed my space. They stopped bothering me about a road trip, but you could have guessed that.

I guess I'm doing better now, but I still miss you. Our tour starts in three days, but I won't be able to perform a single song without imagining you standing front row.

But I know if you had the chance, you would come back, at least once. And I appreciate that, Angelica, I really do.

Forever yours,

Calum