She Looks So Perfect

Chapter Sixteen

Calum's POV

My problem is hiding my emotions. I hate them, I hate showing them, and I hate having them. When Angelica died, it was a strange feeling, even though it was so traumatic, for me to breakdown like I did in front of Luke. Once he left, I got even worse, tearing the bed apart, screaming into pillows, punching the walls.

I had never thought about it, but I had someone to talk to, someone that would listen to what I had to say and not care to tell me how it was. I never really imagined myself looking to her for this, but I needed it. I needed the support. So I called her.

"Can you come over? I need someone to talk to."

"Of course, Cal, are you okay?"

"I'm right; I just need to talk to someone."

She was over faster than I imagined, our arms reached out for a much needed embrace.

"What's up, Cal?" She asked.

"I just need to talk about Angelica, I know you were close to her, with all of the writing she did for you, and I found some stuff in her journal. I need you to help me analyze the meaning," I said.

It was true; I found her journal the night of her death and though I ripped many of the pages, I went back later and read some of them. I figured if she talked to anyone that I knew about her emotions, it would be Alexza.

We went up to my room where her journal was kept. I grabbed it from the bed where I had last laid it, and invited Alexza to sit. She immediately opened the torn and book, examining the tattered pages and blurred words.

"I can feel it everywhere,

The hurdle im trying to jump,

The mountain im trying to climb,

The voice im trying to ignore.

I cant ignore it.

I want to scream,

I want to run away,

I want to die.

It follows me everywhere,

A ghost

A spirit

A thing I cant escape.

When will it go

When can I be free

Help me."

"Cal," she said, flipping the pages, reading the words.

I couldn't find an emotion to display as she tried to find the words to say, "Was she hiding something from me?" I asked, the heartbreak heard in my tone.

"I wouldn't say that. Maybe she just dealt with a little more depression than what she expressed."

"She said she wanted to die," I bluntly stated. Did she want to die? Was I not enough for her? Was I too much?

"She could have just been writing. Sometimes when people get bored or flustered, they just write what they feel at the moment, or something they don't feel at all. To me, it seems like she was trying to put herself in someone else's place."

I knew something was wrong, did Angelica tell Alexza to hide something from me? "Alexza, I feel like there's something you're not telling me," I said.

"I'm not hiding a thing. I really don't know what this is about."

I stood up and paced the floor; I didn't know what to think about all of this. Angelica was a depressed person, and I didn't even notice.

"Calum, there's nothing to worry about. I promise. She was fine, she loved you. I know you miss her and her absence is probably driving you crazy, but she wouldn't want you to worry so much about her. I know this. Trust me, I was pretty close to her too, but I know she wouldn't want me to worry. That's why I seem so content. Can I tell you something, Cal?"

I looked to her, "Of course."

"She told me something two days before the accident, and she told me not to tell you, but I think its okay now that all this happened."

Confused, I nodded in agreement. I wanted to know what she meant, "She told me she loved you. I know it was a big thing with you not saying it until you knew for sure, but I just think you should know. She loved you, and I know she would have said yes. I'm sorry."

She did love me; I finally know. I was so disappointed in myself, not telling her when I knew for sure. But now I know she felt the same, and that makes it easier to cope with. But did she know I loved her? I wanted that more than anything, for her to know I felt so strongly towards her.

"The clock is ticking, and I'm out of time, the camera's rolling, and I forgot my lines. My script is ripped and now I see this is heartache on the big screen."

That was in her journal. I decided it wouldn't be against her if I took it to the boys to see if they liked it; it had potential. I took it to Luke first, who always gave his honest opinion, especially when it came to the band.

"Mate, that's fantastic. What made you write that?"

"It was actually Angelica. Lexi found it in her journal a few days ago an-"

"Wait, you invited Alexza to your house?" He acted as if it was a scandal to invite a friend of the opposite gender to your home.

"Yeah, she was close to Angelica and I found some questionable stuff in her journal. I figured if anyone knew what it was about, it would be Alexza."

"You invited Alexza to your home," he still seemed dumbfounded over the thought, "I have a question," He asked, his expressions flattening out, "What about Christian. Haven't heard of her in a while."

Christian. We decided that we weren't going anywhere with the relationship any time fast because of the major space between us. I knew she wasn't the one; I wasn't ever going to be as in love with her as I was with Angelica, "We aren't speaking on that level anymore," I said, keeping it simple, "But we're still friends, I guess."

~

Ashton's POV

When Cailey went into the hospital, I knew things were going to go wrong for us. She had another anxiety attack whilst at the Skate Park, and fell off a ramp. Not only did she fall six feet to the pavement, but she landed on her leg and broke it in multiple places. She was unconscious when the ambulance got there, and every time she would wake up they would put her back to sleep. The pain would be too much for her.

It was pitiful, seeing her lay in the stale hospital bed, unable to do much of anything. They said it would be about a week before she would go home because of the minor head trauma she experienced when she fell. Once she was home, she would be in a leg cast for about two months because of the severity of the broken bones. She wouldn't be allowed to walk on the leg for around three months, and any type of exercise was out of the question for four.

Scheduling my time around visiting her at the hospital was a nightmare. During the day, I would go see her twice for about two hours each. I would go see her at night before she went to bed, and try to fit everything else around that schedule. Somehow, in the midst of taking care of her and worrying, band practice, radio shows, and keeping up my own life, I found a girl called Rebecca.

Rebecca was a radio personality. She worked in the heart of Sydney on a less-known station, and we had an interview there the day after Cailey's accident. She was talking to me after the interview was recorded, "You don't remember me, do you?" Oh god.

"I'm really sorry but I don't, who are you?"

She blushed and said, "I'm Rebecca, I was in one of your classes in grade 9."

"Rebecca?" I said, astounded. Not to be rude, but the last time I had seen her, she was a complete dork. Glasses, braces, everything. But at the radio station, she was fit, no more glasses or braces, her body was astonishing. It was my turn to blush, as I realized I was just staring at her, "So anyways, if you ever need anyone to talk to or just a friend, I'll be there," she said, writing her number down and sliding into my hand.

"How about tonight?" I said, before I even registered the thought. I knew it wasn't going to end like it was intended.