Fifty Shades After

Chapter 17

Ana POV

I am back in my room, thinking about what Flynn had suggested. Should I write my mother about the things from the past? Get rid of this guilt that should be on HER shoulders? I take some paper and begin to jot some thoughts down and suddenly it becomes a full blown letter.

Dear Mom,

I am sitting here thinking of the past.....and how it has shaped me now. I realize that I hate myself because of you and Stephen. I need to express how I feel and what is currently going on, because they coincide. Do you know how hard it is for a daughter to tell her mother that someone is trying to hurt her and it is blamed on the daughter? I mean you knew me I was quiet and shy, I did not wear revealing clothing or flirt with people. I was and am an introvert. But because you couldn't handle the truth about your husband, you blamed me. Do you still today? 

He was a sick bastard and you defended him. Do you feel any guilt over that little girl being hurt because you refused to believe me? I have spent years feeling bad and down about myself since then. You betrayed me and in truth I hate you a lot of times because if you hadn't of hurt me or allowed him to try and hurt me I wouldn't be in the mess I am today. Recently, I was at a work conference with a man identical to Stephen. But because of the self doubt you placed in my head I brushed it off....well I regret that because I saw brutally raped and hurt. I was beaten and burned because I had so much self doubt about myself or my instincts.

I know he is to blame for the actions done to me, but I also blame you. If I hadn't been accused of encouraging Stephen and flirting with him for attention, I would have been mentally prepared for this. My mother took that from me. I know we don't really speak now, which it seems you don't encourage either.

Do you regret getting pregnant with me and having to marry my father so young? Is that why when I went to you, you came at me with what I can only call jealously? I never wanted male attention like that at that age......you knew I preferred my books. As I continue to relive the past, I hope you are grateful that I never told Ray about any of this. Could you imagine what he would have said or done? Its a shame when someone NOT of my blood would defend me, I think my FATHER would have been ashamed of how you have treated me. 

I know if I send this letter I will probably have no more relationship with you or contact....not like we talk much anyways. But I really feel you need to know this information. I am not saying this to hurt you or get back at you. Since my recent incident, I do not want to live. I want to be gone or sometimes I wish he had killed me after he violated me. This is not normal, but I felt this way after Stephen. Luckily Ray put me together again. Christian is here for me, doing all in his power to make me feel like a person, special and wanted.   

I just wanted my mom back, the one I had before she married a pedophile and blame everyone but herself and Stephen. You had to have seen the signs. I will finish this and maybe you will write me. The return address on this letter is my psychiatrists office. I am at an undisclosed location at this time because I am trying to heal.  These events have changed me.....for the better or worse? I am unsure I guess only time will tell.

Your Daughter

Anastasia Rose Steele

I look down at the letter and see tear stains on the paper. It really felt good to write my feelings about the past down. I guess I needed that. I reread the letter and I believe I will send it to her. She needs to know what she did was wrong and what it did to me. I fold the letter and place it in an envelope and address it. I will ask Flynn to put his office address as the return address. I don't need Kate getting a letter from mom and not being able to get it to me. I sit thinking and i go to the stationary Christian sent. It is beautiful, its a lavender color with delicate flowers in the corners. I take a couple of sheets and start to write to Christian. I want to keep an open line of communication if we have any chance of trying again.

Christian,

I am sitting at a desk right now thinking of my past. Do you remember when I asked you about your past and you said you were "Fifty shades of fucked up"? Well I may not be fifty shades but I am there with you. I want to tell you some about my past. I know you have stalker tendencies but this is something that is not out in the world like that. I have told 2 people and gotten different reactions. This might also help understand why I left like I did. I didn't realize it myself until I sat alone and thought about it.

I  was a teenager when Ray and mom split. I don't know why but they did. She then married this guy named Stephen and moved us to Texas. Things were good until mom wasn't around as much. Little things began to happen and I brought it up to mom. She blamed me and said  I was encouraging it by how I dressed and flirted with him. Me flirt like that to my step dad? Seriously, but her words hit a delicate part of me and I began to question myself. I changed and became even more introverted. But it continued and became more aggressive. He would come into my room and touch me and have me touch him. As you know he never went all the way, thank god but it was far enough. I left to live with Ray and I think mom was relieved I left. But not long after I left he molested and raped a 12 yr old girl. I feel if I had gone above my mom she wouldn't have suffered. But I will never know.

The reason I am telling you this is I want us to be open about our pain and ourselves. If we have any shot of making something here, we need to talk and communicate. I am truly grateful I met you. Even with our up and downs, you are a steady constant in my life and it is something I have needed for a long time. I love you. I hope that we will be together soon. I miss your obsessive ways and nagging me to eat. Little things that you never realize are there and you take for granted. 

ILYSM

Ana xx

I take the letter, spritz it with my perfume and address it to Christian. I will have Taylor take it later. I realize I have not spoken to Kate since the BBQ and a lot has happened.

Kate,

I am sorry I haven't been in communication lately. I have had so much going on. I am writing you because I do not have a phone or laptop right now. I am at a retreat to help me regain my mental equilibrium. Christians bodyguard Taylor will be the best way to communicate with me for now. I am communicating through letters right now. Its also kinda cool to go back to the original way to talk to people far away. I hope things are good between you and Elliott. I will write you some more about what is going on but for now know I am safe and well. I miss hanging out with you and once I am back out in the world we need to do it some more. If my mother calls the apartment, just tell her I am not around. I have written her a letter and I am not sure what to expect from her. I am confronting her about the past and what it has done to me. I decided it was time and I need to heal from all of this shit and get back to my life.

Miss you girlie

Ana x

I am done today. I have written more today than I did in my four years of school. I address Kate's letter and go to find Taylor. I find him in Carrick's office. "Taylor, I was wondering if you could take these letter for me to some people. I have one for Kate and one for Christian". "Of course Ms Steele. Any preference on delivery"? "Deliver Kate's first then Christians. I know he may want you to wait for a reply so that way you can come back after. Thank you Taylor you are a god send". "Ms Steele, I spoke with Claude and he will be here tomorrow about 8 am to begin your transformation" "Wonderful Taylor just what I need a distraction. Thanks" I watch him walk away and I go to relax and prepare myself for tomorrow. What have I gotten myself into?