Bungou Stray Dogs x Reader Oneshots

Dazai x Reader | Awakening

Warning: triggering content, suicide.

Guys, if any of you are easily upset or sad, don't read it. I'm serious. It got too triggering, I'm afraid. And if any of you have depression, don't read it too because I'm afraid, that it may worsen it.

My whole life is a mistake. One big mistake. I made a mistake, when I believed my parents, that it wouldn't hurt. I made a mistake, when I trusted my "friend", who betrayed me. I made a mistake, when I wrote a story, where I explained everything I felt and gave it to my mom to read it. There were so much of them, but now I understand, that it was just my whole life, which was a mistake. "Someone" forgot "something" and on the next day, the test showed a positive result. They say, that it wasn't like this, but their eyes can never lie.

I've been trying too hard. Always. I was in love once, when I was at school. Let's just say, that it didn't end up well. I should have realized this mistake back then and never repeat it. But I didn't. I've done it again. I was hoping for a better life and a better end, yet something deep inside of me knew, that my life had to end like this and not somehow else.

20 years old, free, living alone and just starting to work at a new place in the city, where nobody knew my name. This is how it all started. I moved to Yokohama and got a job at the ADA. Many people talked about it and I thought, that it would be a great way to start from the new page. Everything went well. Meeting with the director, interview, exam, shaking hands with him and then I made my biggest mistake

I met him.

Dazai, why did you have to smile so charmingly at me? You called me "your Bella Donna" and said, that you'd be happy to work with me. Why did I have to believe you? The honest truth turns into the greatest lie. I knew it and I still fell for you.

It was a start of the end...

You became my parter. Atsushi became Kunikida's subordinate and you were asked to teach me everything so you became my partner. We spend a lot of time together. You kept calling me "Bella Donna" and saying those sweet things. We laughed together a lot. Even when we were on the missions, we managed to have fun. You made my life happier. Remember the night, when it was cold and you gave me your coat? I still remember. I remember your sent and your forehead kiss. I remember it perfectly.

And I remember how I wished, that there would be something more, than just that.

You made me feel like I was needed. You made me feel like I was loved by you. For once, I felt, that somebody needed me and would stay with me. I thought, that finally my suffering will come to an end, that you'll save me, that you'll let me save you. You were the first one, who said those words to me: "I believe in you". I've never heard them before. I was so happy, that I even cried, remember? You made me feel worth something better, than death. You made me feel worth happy-ending.

Why did you gave me that hope?

One day, Kunikida asked me to go on a mission with him instead of you. Everything went well, we solved the case and got back to the cafe underneath the Agency. This how it all broke down....

You were flirting with that woman, while holding her hand. You called her "Bella Donna" and beautiful. This  was when I understood the most important thing: you will never look at me the same way. You'll never want to take my hand in yours, you'll never want to hug me, you'll never want to kiss my lips. You'll never want me. I'm just your partner. Nothing more. I'm just a girl for you to play with.

But why, Dazai? Why did you torture me so much? What's the point? Why did you have to hurt me so much? What have I done to deserve this? Why can't I be happy like other people? Why do other people deserve love and I don't? What's wrong with me? Why do I have to live like that?!

You kept being friendly with me. You kept laughing with me. You kept keeping my heart in your hands. I was one of many girls, who fell for you. I wished, you looked at me and, at least, wondered about what my lips will taste like. I wanted to help you. I could help you, you know? We're more alike, than you think. I know how broken you really are. I know how you blame yourself for his death. I see how the spark in your eyes disappears, when you remember the past.

I see how you really want to be saved. You don't wanna die. I know it. You really don't wanna die. You just want to be saved. You want someone to save you from your thoughts and memories. You want someone to save you from your feelings. I could, at least, try it. But you've never even noticed me. I was nothing for you.

I was never worth happiness. I was never worth being loved. I was never beautiful. I was never noticed. I was never completely happy. I was worth nothing. I was never able to be happy. No one has ever loved and you weren't any different. You're not that special, Osamu. Others just think so, but I know the truth. We both know it.

Maybe I am weak. I can't survive all this pain. I can't live with happiness. I can't live life full of lies. Everything was just a big lie. Lies from you hurt the most. All I ever wanted was just to be loved, but seems like that's too much to ask. I can't live without love. I am weak. I admit it, but it's true. It hurts so much.

I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to feel pain. I don't want to suffer. I want to stop this
I want to stop this
I want to stop pain

I WANT TO STOP IT ALL

Dazai...isn't it funny how you've always been suicidal, but I'll be the first one to go? It can't be changed. I've already taken too much medicine against insomnia. I just have to wait...I just have to wait.

What if it all is just a bad dream? So maybe, death isn't an eternal sleep? Maybe, it's just an awakening? I've always thought like that. And right now as my eyelids feel heavy and my arms no longer have strength in themselves, maybe I'm not diving into an eternal sleep?

Maybe I'm just waking up?