Disregard To Danger (ManxMan)

Two sides, one story(47)

This dorm room was small, to say the least. All it contained was two beds and a desk. The walls were plain, just a boring shade of grey. Yup, this is what I had expected. 

My roommate has not arrived yet, and seeing as it was nearly six in the morning, I wasn't shocked. My anxiety was through the roof last night, so I decided not to sleep. Stupid idea? Yes. 

Kendall helped me move the few boxes that I had over here, with the help of his work friends. Who would always attempt to include me in their hangouts. I'm not one for clubbing though. Plus, something in me says that those clubs were not the run of the mill gay clubs. Bleh. Imagining Kendall tied up completely grossed me out. 

I had to pry the boy off of me this morning. He did not want to leave me alone, claiming that there were chances that my roommate was a dick. I was optimistic, I wanted my roommate and I to get along. I always read about how two male roommates were destined to cross over the line of friendship. Though, I am not one to fall in love with my roommate, that's just cliche. 

Plus, there's Walker. Who is starting to drift out of my brain with every day that passes. It sounds terrible but I am starting to forget how his laugh sounded, or the smell of his cologne. This shouldn't happen. He was the man for me months ago. He took up all my senses, and now I'm forgetting the simple things. If only I could hear his voice, maybe that would help?

Deciding to no longer dwell on my thoughts, I started to unpack my boxes. I wanted to cover my walls in memories. I wanted this small room to become my new home. 

Living in a dorm is every students dream. The endless parties? So not my dream. I just want to make more connections, understand what it is like to have more than just a few close friends. I want to feel accepted, is that so wrong?

*Walker's P.O.V*

I have finally made process with group therapy. Instead of just listening in, I decided to participate. I could tell that everybody was shocked that I actually had a voice. Seeing as I stuck mostly to myself. Other than the few that I let sit with me during lunch or rec. 

The subject is what caused me to speak up. As well as hearing the other soldiers thoughts and stories. 

"When is it enough? At what point did you decide to admit yourself here, and how did it impact those around you?" The therapist asked. 

Since I came here, I have been so worried about how those around me had viewed me. Even when I was a child I had the same fear. Not wanting to enter the cafeteria, or contribute to class. I didn't want my classmates to recall my name, but they did. They always noticed the small boy in the corner, who didn't utter a word. Holden tried to get me to get out side of my bubble, but he failed each time. Classmates picked on me endlessly, they would corner me at the end of the school day and beat me up. They always thought that the old bruises were for them, little did they know that I was treated the same way at home. I had no escape. 

Her question had sparked a fire in my heart. I never knew how to know when it has been enough. When the kids have gotten what they wanted, to break the small geeky kid. Who wore rags to school. I never knew when the last punch was going to hit me, when I would finally stand up for myself. Me coming here was saying, give me a chance. Look at me for who I am, not for my past, not for the awards that I have earned during my deployment. I wanted to be whole, I wanted to be happy for once in my life. To shed the anger and hatred that had clung to every particle in my body. At that time, I didn't ask myself how others had felt with me not consulting with them before deciding on coming here. I just picked up my stuff, dusted off my ego and admitted myself.

 Only now do I realize that if I were to do so, I would become a better person. If I would have confided with Holden about my dad abusing me, or the relentless teasing that I received at school, maybe I wouldn't be here?

So, I decided to speak. To ignore the voices in my head telling me that everyone will think that I am a pussy, or degrade my emotional state. When it was my turn, I no longer muttered pass, I ignored my ego and spoke what my heart felt. 

"When I was a child, I was thought to be the runt. The boy who never spoke, who didn't have a father who loved him... children are mean to those who show weakness. Especially those from the small town that I grew up in. They beat me up, all the way until graduation day. If that wasn't traumatizing enough, I had an abusive father. Who saw me as a worthless fag, who needed to see reason. He used his fists to teach me a lesson... I never stood up to them. I just put my head down and accepted my punishment. Even though I didn't deserved to be punished... I did nothing wrong. Instead, I enlisted. Which was the best and worst decision in my life. Sure, I escaped my past and realized what I was born to do. I had just wished that I would have had the courage to say that it was enough, that it had to end. It wasn't until I took a good look at those around me, that I realized that I didn't make the correct decision. So, I picked up all of my things. Didn't say goodbye to any of my loved ones and came here. I could tell that it impacted their lives. I'd have to be blind not to see the hurt and anguish in my brothers eyes, but also the love. They love me, and this is how I treated them. Now I realize that I needed to come here, to understand what I have to lose."