Disregard To Danger (ManxMan)

Daily Reminders(41)

Walkers P.O.V

I thought that the switch in the dosage of medication would be good for me. Seeing as I have been feeling better. Yet, when I woke up today I had little to no motivation to get out of my cot, nor did I want to see my brother. 

I hate the fact that this medication is what keeps me sane. All I want to do is feel and be better, and I guess to get there I need to be heavily medicated. I hate the feeling of depending on something, which is the major reason why i am here. 

Now, I can't even keep my eyes open. The walk to the visitation room was hell. It was like walking through fog. Not only that, but I didn't hear from Monroe for the past week. So, I didn't even know if he was going to show up, and if he did, at what time?

I got my hopes up, which I tried not to do. Yet, here I am slouched at one of the visiting tables. Waiting for my brother to show up. This Christmas snuck up on me, usually I feel lonely. Now, I didn't even realize that It was holiday season. With Monroe coming, and all the decorations it hit me that today will be the first time I've spent Christmas with family. Not in war, or hiding away in my rooms closet. Sure, Holden's foster home invited me over, but I never felt like I belonged there. That house was not happy. 

The thought of future Christmases being spent with family makes a smile grace my face.  I want to be able to see my brother happy,  watching his loved ones open the gifts that he got for them.  He's always been one to provide for others.  I know that if he could,  he would have stayed at home.  That house was just toxic for everybody.  Maybe that's why I am not getting any further in my treatment,  I'm blaming everybody for my issues,  and for my own problems,  maybe it's time for me to take responsibility for my actions. 

I look up to the sound of foot steps. Seeing my brother standing there placed a large smile on my face. My whole mood shifts from seeing a familiar face... finally. "Brother, you made it." I say. -----

"Quincy is fine by the way. I could tell that you were too afraid to ask." My brother says. Startling me. He was right though, the young boy has been on my mind every single second. I convinced myself that I could even smell him on my brother, Which cause a bout of jealousy to run through my veins. It's not fair that my brother gets to see him every day, and I just have to survive off of fleeting memories. Like the way the boys hair gets into his beautiful eyes. He would always push back his hair, knowing that it would fall back into place seconds later. The boy was adorable to say the least. 

"Good... her deserves to be happy." I whisper, even if that means without me. 

"Oh, he's not happy. He misses you, most likely more than you miss him." My brother adds in. A sad smile on his lips. I look away, frowning. Not liking the thought of Quincy unhappy. Maybe he liked me more than i thought? I doubted that he thought of me the same way that I thought of him. If he lays awake thinking of me. Clinging onto hope just like I. 

"Impossible." I scoff, wanting it to be false. I don't want him to feel the pain that I do. The yearning. I believe in soul mates, it allows me a sense of peace. 

"Think about it Walker. What if Quincy suddenly left, not telling you where he is and if he is safe. How would that make you feel?"He asked me. Raising one of his well groomed eyebrows at me. Even though it's only been a few months, my brother has aged... matured. He looks so much like our mother. He has her eyes... I wish I got them. Yet I got my real fathers eyes, who I've heard was just as bad as my step father. Does that mean that Monroe went through the same things that I have. The question sat on the tip of my tongue, but I was too nervous to say anything. Not wanting him to leave, I enjoyed his presence more than I would have thought.

 His words cause me to pause. Quincy wouldn't leave me, and technically I didn't walk out on the young boy. I'm going back, that is for certain. It's just the when that is still in question. What if I go back too early? And I still have the same monsters pacing inside my mind. waiting to make its presence known. 

"That ins't the same, and you know it." I mumble. Slouching further into the seat. Does he understand that I didn't want to leave? Of course I wanted to stay. To be able to call Quincy mine, and to be his. The thought alone makes my heart soar. I don't want to be here... I need to be here.

"He was worried sick, still is. If only you would..." I knew where he was going with this. My brother wants to fix me, but it isn't that easy. 

"I can't just let him in like that yet... I'm not ready." I whispered. Afraid of what the monsters would make me do to that innocent boy and whoever else got in its way. I drop my head, clutching at my short hair. 

"Just think about it... the boy cares about you."My brother whispers. His words hung in the air. The thought of the little boys heart placed in my weathered hands has my body slump. Why would he trust me so easily? He should know better...

"Well... He shouldn't. He's young, he should be out there living his life." I said, even though the thought of him out there all alone has my heart hurting. The looks that he would receive... all the attention. He wouldn't stay available for long... he would forget about me. The damaged soldier...

"Right now, you're his life."My brother says, his words sharp. Digging deep into my already blackened heart. 

------

Monroe stayed for a little bit longer. The conversation was light, we were uneasy of how to continue on. How to correct the bond that we had. Maybe this is the step in recovery that I needed. Not only gaining a supporter but forgiving and being forgiven. 

After he left I felt empty... he helped keep my mind off of things. Yet, now the monsters are back. They have become restless, It's as if they are noticing the shift. Maybe soon they will finally move on... leave me to have a moment of peace. 

His words lingered though. The thought of Quincy alone has always left a bitter taste in my mouth, but now knowing that he's sad... makes it almost deadly. 

Maybe when I get back things will finally be better? I could put a smile back on his pretty face. That gives me the motivation to finally leave the visiting area and head to my therapy session. This time with another Doctor. 

"It's good to see that you finally made it Mr. Monroe. It's an honor to have such a decorated soldier in my office." The lady greets me. Standing up from the seat behind the desk. At first, the doctors and orderlies called me by my standing in the military, yet once I expressed my discontent of the name they soon dropped it. Just calling me by my first or last name. 

"Sorry, my brother visited for the first time since I arrived here." I tell her. She motions to the lather couch. I sit quickly. Wringing my hands in my lap, therapy sessions always made me nervous. I'm guessing that the feeling was normal and to be expected. It still made me feel uneasy.

"You've been here since may, correct?" Dr. Gerald asks. 

"Yes." I answer. Avoiding looking in her direction.

"Then why did he wait so long to visit you?" 

"It was what I wanted..." The fact that I turned my brother away made me sad. 

looking around the room, Christmas directions decorated the walls. Along with photos that looked like to be of her family. "Why did you not want your brother to visit?"

"I was afraid. Afraid of the memories he brought along with him. Looking at him reminds me of the days where we would play toy soldiers..." I whisper. Looking down at my lip I wished that no other kid would ever have to go through what I have.