Disregard To Danger (ManxMan)

Guilt ridden love (28)

Monroe's p.o.v

Over these past few days the guilt builds. Not only was my brother in pain, but I was withholding information from Kendall. That's not the kind of relationship I would want, but this is for Walker. It was time for me to put him first for once. I lay awake thinking of the different outcomes. What if I didn't move away? I would have been able to prevent the years of abuse from happening. We wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for me.
I'm having a hard time moving past this consuming guilt. I can't think of what my brother is going through alone. I try and call him everyday, but as the days go on he's becoming more and more reclusive. Just yesterday the nerve said that he wasn't up for the phone call. What does that mean? Does he no longer want me in his life? It's hard not jumping to conclusions. I just miss him. He left just as we were forming the brotherly bond again.
I remember when he was born. I finally had a brother. A person who would play with me, so I wouldn't have to depend on my neighbors. Who often made fun of me for the way I never talked. I couldn't wait till he was old enough to play catch with me. At this point my father was still deployed, so my mother was acting as a single mother. I tried to help as much as I could. I would burp him, and try to keep him busy. It was hard for my mom, I could see as a child how tired she was. She no longer baked, and the house was always slightly messy. She missed my father, and sadly the man she met never returned.
Things changed. I grew up, I started going out every weekend. Not caring that my little brother looked at me with sadness in his soft blue eyes. He was never able to conceal his emotions.
He may have been six years younger than me, but we considered each other best friends before brothers and I ruined that. I know that he doesn't hold it above me. He let that go a long time ago. It's just myself who I have to forgive.
"You're in a funk." Kendall comments. A soft smile on his face. My eyes dart from his captivating eyes to his thick thighs. Since we started dating, he's finally put on a bit of weight. No longer the small fragile boy that he was when I first met him.
"I'm not babe." I whisper, knowing that he wouldn't buy my fib.
"You haven't been out of the apartment other than for work. This isn't healthy." He told me. Leaning his head against his arm that was resting on the back of the couch.
"I know, I'll get passed it soon. Just when..." I start, but he cuts me off.
"When your brother returns safely." He whispers. I nod my head. Closing my eyes to stop the tears from forming.
"There is always hiccups like these. It's just figuring out a way past them." He adds. I look at him, he knew that I wasn't telling him everything. Yet, here he is. Consoling me. If I were in his shoes, I would be angry and hurt. I wish I could tell him. When I lay awake, I drag my fingers down his soft cheek. Hating that I have to lie to the one good thing in my life.
"I haven't heard from him." I tell him. Knowing that I could say this. His eyebrows raise. I think he already knew that I remained in contact with my brother, this just confirmed it.
"That's not like him." He says.
"I don't know who he is Kendall. The one person who shares my blood, my DNA and I don't even know what his dream is. What kind if brother am I?" I choke out.
His arms wrap tightly around me. His face nestled into my neck.
"A darned good one Monroe. I wanted a brother like you growing up. A person to have my back and love me no matter what. Walker knows that you love him, and that you are there for him through thick and thin. That's all you can do right now. No matter how much it sucks." He advises. I look down at him. The young boy I fell in love with is now a wise young man.
" I love you." I whisper. Pressing a kiss against his soft hair. He pushes himself closer to me, sighing in content.
"I love you more"