Anamnesis [Lacuna #2] {Completed}

Chapter Ten

"Aleatory (adj.) relying on chance or an uncontrolled element in the details of life"

~Bucky~

He wasn't sure if he would ever get tired of the feeling of Erin's lips against his own. Every touch was electrifying. He wished he could bottle up the feeling and take it with him everywhere.

There was something about Erin that made Bucky feel... like himself and more. She was warm everywhere he was cold and she was the light the shone through his darkness.

He couldn't shake a feeling though, that he was somehow dependent on her. He had never been dependent on anyone and he tried not to let it show, but the thought terrified him.

One of the first things he had noticed about her was her warmth. It had felt familiar to him somehow, like he had been around it before. All those weeks they had spent together in the safe house, he always felt comfortable with her, like she was a part of himself he had forgotten. In the last few weeks he was starting to realize why. The same kind of warmth had radiated from Matty.

He felt the essence of her warmth in everything that she did. Even in the kiss between them now, it wasn't one of hunger or even desire. The feeling of her filled him in a way he couldn't describe. He just wanted her to know how much he cared- how much she meant to him. He ran his hands along her back, being sure not to touch her in any place she didn't want him to.

Whatever was between them right now, it was fragile and he had no intention of breaking it.

Reluctantly, they both pulled away, just far enough to look at one another as if in silent agreement. This was as far as things would go until their lives were a little less... complicated.

Erin had that look in her eyes. It was a look she had when she wanted to ask him something, but he knew she was afraid to.

"What is it?" He asked her softly, brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen in her face.

"I've just been wondering..." She sat herself up slightly, "Steve said he and Sam looked for you for two years and... nothing. What-" She hesitated. "What happened to you?"

Bucky felt his face go stiff.

"You don't have to tell me," Erin quickly said after seeing the look on his face, "I just...There's still so much I don't know."

Bucky hadn't thought about those two years he had been on his own since waking up in the safe house. They weren't memories he particularly liked to think about. He looked up into Erin's brown eyes. They were so thoughtful and curious. He suspected she could ask him to jump through a ring of fire and he would do it.

He took a breath and sat up in the bed. "After S.H.I.E.L.D. fell, I... I bounced around for a while, traveling from old HYDRA safe houses. The first few days were the worst." He looked down at his human hand. Erin had laid her own over his and he rubbed circles on her smooth skin. "I spent most of them sweating by a toilet, going through what I think were withdrawals from..." He gestured to his head, "Whatever it was they put inside me."

"You were all alone?" Erin said scrunching her eyebrows together in concern.

Bucky nodded his head.

Erin's eyes were suddenly shiny in the dim light of the room. "That sounds... awful."

And it had been. Bucky remembered throwing up almost constantly and experiencing sharp pains all over his body. "Every night was an extreme. I would be shivering then breathing so heavy I thought my lungs would collapse. Some nights I wasn't sure I was going to live to see the next morning... sometimes I didn't want to." Bucky felt Erin stiffen a little. "The worst part was the nightmares." He continued quietly. "I would wake up in the middle of the night a lot in cold sweat, muttering things I didn't understand. Most of the time I didn't know if the things I was dreaming about were real of not. I wrote some of them down in my journal," He gestured to the bag on the other side of the room where he kept the small booklet, "But after a while... I didn't want to think about it anymore."