Anamnesis [Lacuna #2] {Completed}

Chapter Twenty Four

"Magoa (n.) a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions"

~Erin~

Nine-year old Erin ran her fingers over the picture. It was an old black and white photo from her grandfather's collection, Erin's favorite kind. There were men in it standing next to her grandfather when he was in the war. Erin knew enough about the men to recognize who they had been. "Grandpa, why weren't you a part of the Howling Commandos?"

            Her grandpa stopped what he was doing and looked up at her. The look in his eye immediately made Erin regret asking.

            He cracked a small regretful smile, "Because I was selfish."

            Erin scrunched her eyebrows together, "I don't understand."

            Her grandfather looked down at the pictures Erin held in her hand then back at her, "He did ask me, but I knew I couldn't. My... injuries were too unpredictable and there was need for me elsewhere." A grin played on her grandfather's face, "Once I was home, I wanted to stay there," He paused. "I wanted to meet my son."

Erin sucked in a breath, "Dad." She said quietly.

Her grandfather nodded, "I began to help Howard and Peggy during the war and then build S.H.I.E.L.D. afterwards. I told myself that's what I was meant to do, that was the best way I could help..." He trailed off.

There was a sad look in her grandpa's eyes. She didn't like seeing him sad.

"I lost a very dear friend." He said quietly, "Your Bucky. I should have been there to protect him, but I wasn't. That's why I was selfish."

"Did your injuries get better?" Erin asked curiously.

He smiled weakly at her, "In a way." His eyes flickered to the light above them. As he looked at it, Erin noticed it was flickering. It was slight, she was surprised she even noticed, but when he grandfather looked back down at her, the slight flickering stopped. "In a way." He repeated so quietly, Erin could barely hear him.

*****

~Erin~

"He's gone Steve. He left." Erin said the next day. She couldn't meet the gazes of Steve and Wanda who were looking at her through the computer screen. She had explained what had happened as best she could, but she was still trying to make sense of it herself. Bucky was gone and she wasn't sure he was coming back.

            "What do you mean gone? Where would he go?" Steve's voice was laced with lethal anger.

            "Erin what happened?" Wanda asked gently.

            "We got into an argument." She said softly, not daring to look at their faces.

            "What kind of argument?" Steve demanded.

            "He... he said I couldn't help him." Erin admitted quietly.

            "How could you let this happen?" Steve demanded.

Erin thought she had cried her eyes dry, but she could feel fresh tears pound against her tear ducts. She bit her lip hard to keep them from falling. "I'm sorry-"

"You shouldn't have let him leave! I told you to take care of him!" Erin could feel pieces of her already aching heart crumbled a little further at Steve's words. 

            "Steve," Wanda gave him a warning look and turned back to Erin. "He's responsible for his own decisions."

Steve looked at Wanda, realizing how harsh he was speaking. He let out a breath, calming himself. "Do you have any idea where he might have gone? Where were you both planning on going next?"