Memoirs of an Outstanding* Teen

Chapter 47: Apologies in Advance

Now I must make a confession. The next few pages are not easy for me to write.

I was once watching a YouTuber, Gabbie Hanna, and she said, "Some secrets you take to the grave." I feel, and I know some of you might agree with me, that the next couple of things I'm going to say should be one of those secrets.

I know, I know. You're probably like, "Girl, do you know how much you've said already?!" Some things are easier to confess to than others. I think before, it was easier for me to open up because the things I said seemed to have, for lack of better terms, a forgiving pivot, something to make you as a reader have some form of mercy for my mistakes. I spoke about my awkward experiences, and there you could maybe say, "She's just not that social." For my terrible sports and dancing skills, you could say, "Well not everybody is good at these things." And for my previous eating struggles, you could say, "She went way too far, but she was just trying to do what she thought was right."

But for the things I'm about to say, all the blame is on me. It was all because of my bad decisions, my lack of self-control, my greed, and my shamelessness. And then later, I made it all worse by my lack of discipline. I'm ashamed of these stories. If I were ever to tell them to any one of you in person, I wouldn't be able to make eye-contact with you as I spoke. I wouldn't be able to lift my head from my twirling fingers.

I guess it's the same way a prostitute would feel if they had to confess that they like being on their back. Or the way a man would feel if he had to confess that he liked cheating on his perfect wife even though she sacrificed the world for him and was heartbroken by the betrayal. Or a child abuser saying that they liked seeing their child scream in pain.

What do you say to these kinds of confessions? That there's no mercy for them? That they're unforgivable? That those who do them should go live in the Sahara to prepare for their life in hell? That they're the scum of the earth? That you're ashamed to have to share the term "human being" with them?

Then the next question is, if someone has confessions as shameful as these, why make them at all? Again, why not just take such secrets to the grave? If I'm so ashamed of the upcoming stories, why bother telling them?

I could say, "There's someone out there who might be going through what I went through, and I want them to know they're not alone in their situation." That's true. I want people who struggle with the things I struggled with, to know that they can conquer their problems. But to be honest, it's not what's making me tell. I made up that reason after I had already decided to tell these stories. I could also say that I want people to know real life is complicated. That it's not as simple as, "If you know that doing X is bad, you'll know not to do it." But that's not hitting the nail either.

What's the real reason then? I also don't know. Maybe I just want to share my shame, and by sharing it, lessen it?

Whatever it is, brace yourself, it gets ugly.