Memoirs of an Outstanding* Teen

Chapter 26: Out of Control | I Can't Eat That

"How could they have forgotten the canned vegetables? What will I eat now?" That's what I thought when I looked through the monthly groceries that my sisters and my dad had gone to buy. I saw no canned beans, no canned peas, no canned carrot-and-potato mixture. Did they not know that I need three spoons of either one of those to eat with my two cups of rice for my lunch and dinner calories? Of course not. Nobody new. And I couldn't tell them. So, what was I going to eat for the rest of the month?

I couldn't eat any meat because the calories would add up too quickly. Too much fat. And I didn't know the exact portions anyway. How much would be 40g? Half a deck of cards? What if I didn't eye-ball it properly and ended up taking too much? I couldn't risk it. "Plain rice and three spoons of soup?" I thought. "Next month, I'll go along for the groceries and add the cans into the carts. Then everything can go back to normal."

One evening, I heard the housekeeper knocking on Dad's door and saying, "Dinner is ready!" I got up from my bed and walked over to the kitchen to get my last calories of the day. I opened the pot of rice, and my heart sank. I could see the oil glistening all over the white grains. There was a visible layer of oil on the edges. "No, that's way too much oil! One spoon of oil is already 100 calories. How much of that in the two cups I take? Way too much!"

An image of my older pictures, back when they still said, "You eat too much!" flashed in my head. No I couldn't eat that. I closed the pot. I swallowed to clear the lump in my throat. I blinked away the tears, went back to my room, lied down on my bed, and slept.

The next time I stepped on the scale, and I was all the way down to 47 kg. I would lie if I said I thought anything about being underweight. I only remember feeling soul-deep satisfaction. "You're being a good girl."