Memoirs of an Outstanding* Teen

Chapter 54: How Do You Begin To Get Back Up?

I couldn't form any concrete thought on the way home. When I got home, I just sat at my desk and stared at nothing. Whether time was still running, I couldn't have known. It felt like the whole world had stopped with me.

Then it hit me. Like a brick. No, more like a cascade of bricks. Like an avalanche of boulders falling on my chest: I had just sacrificed everything to get the one thing that meant most to me in the world, and I didn't get it.

I've never cried with as much pain as I did that day. I was on the floor in the corner of the room, hugging my knees. It was the very first time that I thought my life was worthless, that I would be better off not existing.

I hated everything. I hated myself. I hated the world. And for the very first time, I said, "God, are you even there?"

I didn't want to be in a world so unfair, where those who work hard and sacrifice everything are the ones who lose it all. Yes, I did walk up to my computer and google the most efficient ways to off myself. And I did, accordingly, walk up to the shop in my street with the intention of buying the pack of cigarettes that I could boil for the job.

Have you ever remembered a random quote just at the right time? As I walked in that shop, somehow, I remembered, "It gets worst just when it's about to get better."

Maybe I could give it one more try. Maybe I could just hurt and learn my lesson and try again. So I bought a can of beans – or some other random item – and left the shop.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in a stupor of regret, and self-loathing. I was stupid. I was foolish. I was an idiot.

So, I thought I could push my body to such revolting limits and still expect to succeed? I thought I could sleep three hours a night for four months, and treat my body like crap, and still succeed? Who did I think I was? Such brazen arrogance! Such shameless egotism! So much stupidity! Where was my humility? "The proud will be humbled." Remember that? How does that dust taste?

I went to bed at 6:00 p.m. that day, and didn't bother waking up until the sun had come up the next day.