That Ballah Love: Down For My Ballah

Chapter 32 - Expressing Emotions

Cash P.O.V

I threw on a simple pair of true jeans and a tee shirt with Marlyn Monroe on the front and then  my Jordan 11's putting my hair up into a high bun with bangs and adding my hoop earrings.

" Where you going again ? " Gucci ask. It was 7 am..I was trying to beat the girls out before they awoke and anyone tried to go with me.

" Meet with some people about the business...I should be back in a few hours..I want to get this quickly going " I lie turning to face him with a weak smile before quickly turning back to my vanity to apply make up. I had bags under my eyes..they were red and I looked tired which I was.

" Okay " he says. Once I was done I grabbed my phone and purse.

" Call me if you need me. Breakfast is made just heat it up when they get up. I'll be back shortly " I say heading for the door.

" Love you " He calls. I pretended I didn't hear him and headed quickly down the door and out...I had morning sickness this morning..about 5 am...I ran to a bathroom far away from my room and Gucci's ears.

I needed to tell him...but I needed to speak to my shrink..and thats where I was going.

I got safely into my car and started it up pulling out the drive way and heading to the Psychologist building about 15 minutes away downtown. I listened to the radio some and bobbed my head getting the fresh air I needed.

When I pulled up I cut the engine and got out grabbing my things locking the bentley behind me. I headed into the building, signing in then riding the elevator up 3 floors.

Dr. Jefferson

I appeared on the door and I knocked. " Come in " I twist the knob walking unto the space...it makes my stomach turn eveytime.

" Hello, Cash " She tells me. I refused to see a male doctor..I just didn't feel comfortable. She made me uncomfortable alot of the time too though.

" Hey, Dr " I say.

" Have a seat " Doing as she told I got comfortable on the same seat Ive sat in for many years now. " I hadn't seen you in a while and I was abit surprised to get your call last night about you wanting to come in "

" I needed to speak " I tell her looking down.

" Well, lets get started...why are you here "

I laughed bitterly. " You know why im here...because I have problems..because I need help..and because people are concerned for me "

" But your not concerned for youself "

" Maybe a few months ago I would have said that but now I have a different answer " I say as she wrote down in that stupid pad of hers.

" Surprising coming from you " She notes. " Why has your answer changed ? "

" Because my life has changed, you know Dr. its hard adjusting to change..but it even harder sticking to the same old same old "

" Right..continue " She urged.

" When Gucci got out..I felt everything would be fine..It was for a while..then Elle got tooken and I broke...then I got her back..Now everything has been great...felt like old times a bit..but better. He bought me a large home and the place for my businesses...I was struck "

" Thats amazing " She says.

" We're rasing my sister, his 2, and our daughter...and now im pregnant..." She stopped writing and looked up at me. " I told him before I didn't want to be pregnant right now..it wasn't the time..I wasn't ready..but here I am and I still haven't told him...I don't think I can handle having another child added onto my plate right now...im tired. I feel drained. In 4 days..I've had less then 4 hours of sleep..my body and soul hurts.." I swollowed the lump in my throat. " Its hard and I know he'll hate me if he heard me say that we shouldn't keep the baby..and I know i sound crazy saying it...childern are a blessing...but when can I have time to fix myself before bring another life to add onto my plate..its rough on me and no one really understands " I explain as tears rolled down my face. " Im not trying to be a brat and be fussy...I just need to vent . Im mentally, physically, and emotionally tired..Tomorrow im going to church..for the first time in a while to just be going to hear the word..I can't wait..I need it. I need some type of guidence..everybody sees me as so strong...but im not "