Lifeline {joshler}

five

tw: implied eating disorder.

🌱

"Joshua, if you stop taking your meds, we can't help you."

Josh simply stared down the guy dispensing meds. He raised his eyebrows when Josh simply blinked and refused to take the pill pot from him.

Tyler watched him worriedly, but Ruby whispered from behind him. "He always does this it's fine." She assured him and Tyler visibly relaxed.

A monitor with a clipboard marked something next to Josh's name with a huff and ushered him on. The queue moved forward.

"I'm allowed to give you painkillers for the stitches Tyler, do you want them?" The monitor asked as he handed over the pot with his anxiety meds in. Tyler shook his head ignoring the throbbing in his wrists. He swallowed his meds and opened his mouth to show he'd taken them.

Josh was stood waiting for him by the door, scuffing his feet awkwardly. He was rubbing at his hands trying to get rid of the blue staining. His hair was a washed-out version of its usually vibrant colour, as though he'd dyed it but then changed his mind so tried to rub the colour off with wet hands.

Ruby had told him that blue was bad, all the staff getting stiff and twitchy whenever they noticed the colour seemed to only cement this notion. Tyler's heart was pounding in his ears as he made brief eye contact with Josh's sad eyes. He stopped dead in his tracks, something in him was broken at the sight of Josh like this. It was in this moment that he realised just how beautiful he was, maybe it was because for the first time ever he was looking at him, really looking at him.

Every time before that he'd always looked away after a short time as though staring at the sun -long exposure would damage- but now he saw him perfectly as though he was a painting that grew more detailed the longer one looked at it. Only, his view was tainted by the streak of blue that tinged the painting with sadness.

While Tyler had stood still Ruby had passed him, having taken her own meds and had immediately began whisper yelling at Josh. Tyler snapped out of his staring, willing his heart to slow down he needed this silly crush to go away his life was stressful enough.

He began heading for the door not wanting to interrupt their argument, but he couldn't help but overhear what Josh was saying.

"I don't want help anymore I told you. I can't do this right now. I won't." He huffed, turning and catching up the few steps to Tyler's side. Ruby didn't bother to call after him, instead she let someone escort her to the weigh-in area across the room.

Tyler didn't dare look at Josh, his words ringing through his skull. Tyler's own world was crashing down around him and he no longer cared, but the thought of that happening to other people, to Josh, hit him like a truck.

"Do you wanna play some board games?" Josh asked finally breaking the silence. Tyler smiled and nodded letting him lead the way to the games room.

**one week later**

"So you're like some future nba star?" Josh teased, stuffing his mouth full of food.

"Not quite." Tyler chuckled, slightly flustered.

Ruby slid into the seat beside him, pushing her food around her plate. She looked scared and Josh leant over the table to talk to her softly.

"Did they up your portion sizes again?"

She nodded staring at the plate of food, it was the same size as Tyler's now, before then she had been eating less, as part of their attempt to ween her back onto adult portion sizes.

Josh looked around the room and as soon as he was sure all the monitors were distracted by other patients he swapped their plates over, his half empty already.

Ruby looked at him with thankful and teary eyes.

"You can't do that every day." Tyler warned, trying to make sure he didn't come across rude.

Josh nodded and looked back at Ruby, "I won't have to because Ruby is going to talk to her therapist about why she's not ready yet." He gave her a pointed look and she shrunk in on herself before nodding slowly.

"You're doing so well." Tyler smiled encouragingly and Ruby clasped her palms together. Interlocking her fingers and holding them up so he could see. A symbol her and Josh had told Tyler was what they did when it meant they wanted to hug the other, but knew they couldn't. Tyler never mentioned that he'd seen them actually hugging before. Just smiled and did the gesture back.

After lunch the boys were sent to the arts room to try art therapy, Tyler didn't really find doodling very helpful, and usually ended up just scribbling down poetry ideas instead. Dr. Kemp had allowed him to keep a notebook and pens so that he could write whenever he wanted or more importantly, needed.

Josh often tried to draw people, laughing as he showed Tyler how he accidentally made their noses too big or their eyes wonky. The way he pressed his tongue between his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut made Tyler's heart flutter.

Today was different however because Tyler stood hesitantly over the small wooden piano in the corner of the room. It was tucked away, dusty and unloved. His fingers twitched over the cover before he looked up at the session leader. They were watching him. They nodded and Tyler knew it was permission to use the musical instrument. Cautiously he pulled out the stool, it scraped across the floor loudly. Aware that everyone was watching him he took the creaky seat and carefully lifted the cover, exposing the keys to the room for the first time in who knows how long.

The first few keys he pressed sounded off, he winced, flexing his fingers. He was a little rusty but he tried to recall some of the songs his mom would make him play for their guests when he was younger.

Blanking out the rest of the room he ran his fingers over the keys, re-familiarising himself with the feel of the piano, letting his muscle memory take over. It started out stunted and awkward but soon his fingers were dancing across the keys like a figure skater glides over the ice.

He felt sure he could hear the rhythmic tinkle of the beat filling itself in his mind but then his eyes looked up to see that Josh had joined him. Using paintbrushes as drumsticks and tapping away on the top of the piano in perfect sync with what Tyler was playing.

Tyler almost faltered in his playing too absorbed in the way Josh was throwing his entire being into his playing, both of them lost in their own world.

When the song finished, Tyler stifled an almost child-like giggle. Josh immediately smiling back at him. Tyler tried not to gasp when he realised how close they were sitting, Josh trying to squish onto the piano stool with him. This close Tyler could make out each individual freckle that dusted his nose. He risked just the gentlest of nudges of his leg onto Josh's and Josh reciprocated it before moving away again, his face unreadable as always.