Lifeline {joshler}

nineteen

tw: panic attack.

🌱

Tyler and Josh sat pressed together on the sofa of the TV room. Finding Nemo was playing and Tyler spent most of his time watching the child-like awe on Josh's face as he watched it than actually enjoying the movie himself.

He finally tore his gaze away from mapping out the freckles on Josh's nose to look up at Dr. Kemp walking in. He sat up a little bit straighter, as they made eye contact, while she hovered in the doorway. She was holding a large envelope in her hands as she gestured with her head for Tyler to come with her.

With a reassuring smile to Josh, Tyler followed her out of the room and into the hall for more privacy.

"You have mail." The doctor said with a warm smile handing over the letter.

Tyler inspected it noticing that it had already been opened. He looked up at his therapist with a furrowed brow.

"Your mother opened it. But it is standard procedure to check all mail in case it contains anything triggering or anything you might be able to hurt yourself with." She reassured.

"Did you read it?" Tyler swallowed a lump in his throat.

Dr. Kemp nodded apologetically before excitedly gesturing that he should hurry up and open it.

Tyler fumbled with the contents, pulling out the thick brochure and the letter attached to it. He slowly read the letter his heart dropping into his stomach. Taking in the Otterbein logo and the big words that spelled out 'Congratulations!'. A tiny "oh" was the only sound Tyler could seem to produce, unsure how else to respond.

"Isn't this good? It means you have something to look forward to once you leave? Otterbein's scholarship program sounds really excited and..." Dr. Kemp continued to talk about how proud Tyler should be and such but he tuned her out. He continued to stare at the letter in his hands. He hadn't thought about the future in the longest time, for a while he'd maybe even forgotten there was one.

Suddenly Tyler was hit with the realization that one day he would leave this place, there would be no more white walls and group therapy and set meal times. But there would also be no constant access to Josh and that terrified him beyond belief. Josh had become like a second lung, he was so vital to Tyler's life, he couldn't breathe right without knowing he was there, and he knew Josh was in the same boat. His heart thudded in his chest, his ears ringing. He needed to get his breathing stable but instead he continued to let out short, raspy breaths, each one seeming to just suck more oxygen out of his body. Tyler backed up against the wall, desperate to find purchase on something, to cling to something real, he felt like the ground had been sucked from under him, he was falling, in the worst way possible.

Tyler sunk to the floor, pulling his knees up to his chest as he gasped for air fighting against his now tunnelling vision. Dr. Kemp had noticed the panic attack and began attempting to talk Tyler down but to no avail. As he sunk to the floor, she let out a slightly too loud call of his name, drawing the attention of all the patients in the TV room, including Josh.

Josh ran out of the room, immediately crouching next to Tyler. He gently placed his hand on the brunette's shoulder. He knew he wasn't allowed to touch him but Dr. Kemp was too busy trying to help Tyler breath to say anything.

"Tyler?" Josh spoke softly. His voice breaking Tyler out of his panic, like reality suddenly snapped back into focus. His wide, scared eyes zeroed in on Josh. Josh began counting out Tyler's breaths, holding his hand tightly as Tyler reached out for him. He kept counting until Tyler's chest no longer felt like it was going to cave in on itself.

When he was sure he had calmed down he allowed Josh to help him stand on his shaky legs.

"I think it's best if you go and get some fresh air Tyler." Dr. Kemp suggested her face full of relief as well as concern. She was stressed trying to get the small crowd surrounding them to disperse.

"I'll take him." Josh offered guiding Tyler down the hall, a firm hand placed between his shoulder blades. He pulled his hand away when the therapist looked over at them. The gesture had been so comforting and its removal couldn't help but make everything feel worse.

Tyler stopped and turned around. He took the few steps over to pick up the letter from where he dropped it. Tyler slowly handed it back to Dr. Kemp, she seemed saddened by the action but still took the letter from him.

Tyler turned back to Josh then, walking back over to where he was patiently waiting, letting Josh lead them through the maze of corridors. When they missed the turning to head outside Tyler looked at Josh confused.

"Sorry, did you actually want to go outside?" Josh stopped walking, voice full of concern.

Tyler shook his head, looking up and down the corridor to see they were alone and then promptly intertwining his fingers with Josh's. Josh squeezed his hand as he gave him a blushing smile before leading him towards the bedrooms instead.

Josh lead them to his room, sitting on the bed as soon as he entered the room. Tyler closed the door and moved to stand over Josh. Resting his hands on his shoulders as Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist, pressing his cheek into his stomach in a hug. He knew before the crying started that it was coming because of how tightly Tyler squeezed his shoulders. As Tyler began sobbing Josh moved back, coaxing Tyler to crawl onto the bed with him. Josh sat propped up by the wall and guided Tyler to sit in his lap. Tyler immediately clung to Josh wrapping his legs around his waist and sobbing into the shoulder of his shirt.

After a while he calmed down, his breathing falling into sync with Josh's. Helping him stop crying as Josh continued to voice his praise and reassurance.

"What happened?" Josh asked cautiously. Tyler shifted in his lap, wiping the last few years from his cheeks and turning to face him.

Tyler sighed before finally telling Josh about his scholarship.

Josh's mouth pulled down into a frown as he brush tears from Tyler's red cheeks. "But that's a good thing isn't it, Ty?" His eyes searched Tyler's eyes for the answer but Tyler simply avoided his gaze.

Tyler pulled Josh's wrists into his hands, looking down at them. He began rubbing his thumbs over the veins situated there as he spoke.

"I don't know." He slowly brought Josh's left wrist to his lips and kissed it. "I just want to stay right here, in this moment" -he kissed Josh's shoulder- "forever."

Josh's breath caught in his throat.

Tyler moved his face closer to Josh's gently grazing his nose in a line from Josh's shoulder to his neck, stopping at Josh's pulse point. "I don't care about" -he kissed the spot, resisting the urge to suck a hickey into it as Josh trembled underneath his touch- "College" -he kissed Josh's cheek next- "or scholarships." Tyler moved to Josh's other cheek. "I just care about" -he kissed the tip of Josh's nose- "you."

Josh rubbed their noses together as he felt his heart skip a beat. He rested his forehead on Tyler's.

"I wanna stay with you forever." Tyler continued, rubbing their noses some more before pecking at Josh's lips briefly. "I love you." Another peck. "So much." Another kiss. "More than anyone else in the world has loved anyone before." He promised, laughing lightly at his own cheesiness. They kissed again, lingering this time.

Josh felt his heart grow light, an odd sensation in his nose causing him to scrunch it up told him he was about to cry tears of joy. He was so in love.

"Tyler Joseph." Josh kissed him again, just as desperate. He took Tyler's head between his hands to make sure they looked one another dead in the eyes. "I do believe you are the love of my life."

They smiled lovingly before Tyler tugged at the nape of Josh's neck in that telling way that told him he reallywanted to kiss him until their lips were swollen and they ran out of oxygen. Only then pulling apart, but only out of necessity. So, that's what they did.