Lifeline {joshler}

twenty one

tw: pain/passing out from pain. small mention of blood.

🌱

Silence hung thickly over the group therapy session.

"Why don't we go around the group, I want everyone to say one negative emotion that they've experienced since our last session, it can be anything; fear, anxiety, anger. Whatever it is that really stood out as the worst emotion for you over these past few days." Adam edged forward on his seat trying to catch a few people's eyes, but they all avoided his gaze.

They went around the circle.

"Fear."

"Despair."

"Hopelessness."

"Abandonment." Josh looked up, almost directly across the circle towards the small voice that spoke. Tyler stared straight back a pained look on his face, but he was determined to hold his ground, he wouldn't be the first to look away. They kept up their staring match until it got to Josh's turn.

"Betrayal." His own gaze snapped straight to the floor, just missing the falter in Tyler's expression. Tyler looked on at him confused, a pain rising in his chest.

The few remaining people spoke before Dan started up again. "Okay, so now we're going to go around again but this time tell me the most positive emotion you've felt recently. The best you've felt."

"Happiness."

"Peaceful."

"Joy."

"Safety." Tyler's gaze never left Josh, and Josh's eyes flicked up to meet it. Tyler begged the tears stinging his eyes to go away.

"Hope." Was what Josh said in return, his heart beating a mile a minute.

"Good. So, think about what caused those two very widely different emotions." A pause. "Now which situation would you like to be in again? Which emotion if you had to pick would you rather experience, which is more important?"

Tyler's breathe caught in his throat, a few people shifted uncomfortably around him.

"So, I want you to make a plan. Plan for you to find a way to ensure that you –for the most part, and I know it isn't easy- avoid that negative feeling or the situation that caused it, and find a way to experience that positive one again. If you felt-" he pointed at the third girl "joy, let's say, while you were painting for example, then paint more, tell your therapist you want to try more intensive art therapy. Think about the steps you could take to get rid of the things that bring you down and do more of the things that raise you up."

Adam's words hung over the group like a weighted curtain, they all knew he was right but that it wasn't going to be that easy.

Tyler looked back at Josh again, he knew what made him feel safe, he knew what he needed to feel that again, but now he wasn't sure if Josh could give it to him. He felt a sharp pain in his stomach, he winced but tried to cover it hoping no one saw. But Josh did.

The two boys didn't speak to one another until lunch time.

Tyler sat to himself in the corner.

"Can I sit?" Josh asked carefully, aware that the last time they spoke was a few days ago right before Josh walked out on him.

Tyler looked up at him, a mix of emotions crossing his face. He made note of the tired bags under his eyes, obviously, like Tyler he had found it hard to sleep without the other pressed against him, an anchor from the nightmares and dark thoughts. His hair was blue again, and Tyler felt a twinge of sadness remembering the meaning of the colour all too well.

At least there's a colour on it. Tyler found himself thinking.

He felt his chest tighten as the stinging pain which had been a dull ache for most of the day returned.

You still love him, how pathetic. A voice spat inside his head, he willed it to shut up.

Tyler turned back to his food, picking at it with a fork. Josh sat down, unsure if the silence had been a yes or not. At the lack of protests he figured it hadn't been a no, which gave him a glimmer of hope again.

He cursed Adam for being annoyingly right, going after the thing that had caused him to feel hope really was what he needed, he needed Tyler. He hated himself for taking so long to figure that out, that no matter who Tyler had told about them he had been the one to actually hurt their relationship. He knew he should have been honest and not left Tyler the way he did but he had needed to be alone. He knew he didn't deserve Tyler, let alone his forgiveness.

"I'm sorry I'm a horrible person." Josh blurted. "I needed some time to sort my head out and- and I should've just been honest with you but I wasn't I was selfish and cruel and I'll never forgive myself for that Tyler. I don't even deserve your forgiveness and that's okay 'cause what I did was selfish and unfair on you."

Tyler squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted Josh back so badly he almost burst into tears.

Josh reached out for Tyler's hand. As he held it he felt how clammy his palms were, his brow furrowed. "Wow Tyler, you're really hot."

Tyler looked up at him with disgust, ripping his hand away.

"No, no I mean like actually hot." Josh shuffled closer placing a hand to Tyler's forehead which was also clammy and warmer than normal.

Tyler dodged out of his reach. The pain grew more intense at the sudden movement, his heart beat hitched along with his breathing.

"Ty, you're burning up are you okay?" Josh's eyes were full of worry and concern and Tyler willed the pulling in his chest to go away.

"I'm fine." He snapped before getting up suddenly. His head spun but he pushed through it. He had to get out of there. He grabbed his half-eaten meal and went to the drop off for finished plates but a monitor stopped him. Every move felt like it was being done underwater, he was wading against an invisible current that made his every muscle ache with the exertion.

Josh stood up as he went. He'd seen the pain Tyler had felt that morning and something was very wrong. He followed closely behind but a second monitor told him to sit back down and eat.

"Please? I really don't feel good." Tyler said but the monitor gave him a stern look. Tyler sighed and turned to sit back down.

Everything was spinning as he placed his tray on the edge of the nearest table. The pain in his stomach grew too much and he gasped bending over the table. He looked down at his shaking hands, to see blood had begun seeping through his shirt.

Josh instantly stood up but the monitor from before grabbed him.

Tyler stood up slowly before his vision went white and the ringing in his ears grew deafening. There was no pain at all, the white-hot iron grip around his torso simply let him go, and like a doll in its hand he fell lifelessly to the floor as if he had been dropped. Knocking his food tray over with it.

He didn't hear the panicked shout of his name as Josh rushed to catch him, or the shocked gasped of everyone else in the food hall.