Lifeline {joshler}

twenty four

tw: self harm, blood, emotional break down, suicidal thoughts, talking someone down from the edge. This is the penultimate chapter please take care!

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As Tyler left Dr. Kemp's office his frame felt heavy. Every step was like wading through mud, his head just wasn't in it. He was exhausted both emotionally and physically. He got half-way down the corridor before a boy ran past him almost knocking him to the floor. He shouted a frantic sorry before practically slamming her body against the door to Dr. Long's office. Tyler watched on in shock.

"Please! Dr. Long help!" He shouted and slammed his fist against the wood. Dr. Long swung the door open looking frazzled and borderline distraught.

"What on earth is going on Simon?" The therapist demanded. Tyler felt bad for watching, suddenly remembering himself. Just as he was about to turn away however, he was stopped by the mention of a name.

"It's Josh." Simon panted out. Before Tyler could even hear the rest of the sentence he took off down the corridor, his heart was pulsating in his ears as dread shot through his spine.

He ran until his lungs gave out, reaching Josh's room to find a few of the other residents gathered outside mumbling and gasping as they peered through the half open door. There was a loud crashing sound before silence fell over the room and the crowd.

Tyler was breathing so heavy, his heart hammering like a train but he cautiously pushed open the door. He turned to give the other people in the hall a nod of reassurance, before fully entering the room. He half shut the door behind himself for privacy.

Once inside he noticed the destruction Josh had caused. The pillows on his bed were torn. The stool for his desk had somehow been ripped from where it was normally bolted to the floor and was lay in the opposite corner of the room, one of its legs bent. If it wasn't for the seriousness of the situation Tyler almost might have been impressed.

There was red or orange -he couldn't tell, maybe it was both- hair dye splattered across the wall, the chalk smudged onto the normally white bed sheets. There was stuff everywhere, it was almost like a bomb had hit the place. In some ways one had.

Tyler followed the obvious flight path of the dye and found Josh sat, knees pulled up to his chest, on his bathroom floor. Tyler's heart stopped when he noticed the state of him.

His hair was bleached white, but his arm was dripping red. Tyler stepped towards him, something crackling under the souls of his sneakers. Josh's name got stuck in his suddenly dry throat.

Josh's knuckles were split and gushing.  Tyler considered the tiny bathroom much like he had the main bedroom, noticing that hair dye was splattered all over the sink. The different colours mixed to form ugly browns and purples that trickled down the drain at a snail's pace and dripped off the outside to form a sludgy puddle under his feet. The mirror above the sink was dripping fresh blood into the mix, a large circle of fractures in the middle of it. Josh had put his fist straight through it and shards of glass were all over the shelf and sink and floor. Blood was splattered all over the walls. The whole thing looked like a crime scene, Tyler couldn't breathe.

"Josh?" Tyler finally forced the word out.

Josh slowly lifted his head up, his usual subtle freckles that Tyler likened to constellations were covered by more prominent flecks of red. His sad brown eyes met Tyler's and he choked out a strangled cry of defeat. Tyler's heart snapped in half at the sound.

Tyler went to approach him but stopped when he realised what he was holding. His fingers were cut and bloody as he gripped tightly to a jagged shard of the mirror.

"Josh, what happened?" Something in him cracked at the realisation that not three months ago his mother had walked in on a sight not much worse than this. But this was different, Josh hadn't gone too far yet, there was still time, there was still hope.

Tyler knelt next to him, taking Josh's face in his hands. Josh pressed their foreheads together as tears slipped down his cheeks.

"You deserve better." Josh's voice seemed strangled, as though he was talking from a far-off place within himself. Like he was being held hostage by dark creatures in some pit in the depths of his own mind.

Tyler shushed him gently trying to keep it all together. He ignored as the bedroom door burst open and Dr. Long entered the room with a horrified look on her face. She was followed into the room by Adam and another man, Tyler recognised as a monitor. Tyler tried to give Dr. Long a reassuring smile but he knew how scared he must have looked.

"Josh, it's okay. Just tell me what happened?" Tyler turned his attention back to Josh, wiping a tear from his boyfriend's cheek.

"I hurt everyone I care about. I tried to save you from me, and instead I just hurt you." Josh sobbed out.

"Josh, what are you talking about?" Tyler asked his voice cracking with panic.

"You're leaving because of what happened. It was my fault you hurt yourself and now you're leaving. You need this place to get better and I need you to get better. I need you to live." He squeezed his fingers tighter around the mirror, visible pain on his face.

Tyler placed a hand over his hands to stop him, about to tell him that he was wrong but Josh cut him off.

"I make such a mess of everything. I don't want you to regret me too."

Tyler stared on confused at Josh's words before he remembered their first group session together, when Tyler had talked about the mess he was constantly leaving behind. He shushed Josh desperately, his hand guiding Josh's neck, forcing him to make eye-contact.

"Life is messy Josh. I make enough of a mess on my own, that even if you did make a mess -which you don't- I honestly wouldn't be able to tell. Hey, look at me, you make my life less messy." Tyler soothed but Josh shook his head. "I mean it Josh. When you're around, I forget everything else, you're all that matters. For you, I'd stay."

"No," Josh shook his head harshly, sniffing.  "You deserve so much better Tyler. You deserve to live, not to be tied to me." He pushed Tyler off him and moved further along the wall, holding the piece of glass to firmly to his chest.

"Josh, please don't take your life away from me." Tyler pleaded desperately, his voice was strained against the freely flowing tears. He reached his hand out but Josh just pressed the tip into his skin, red blossoming through his shirt.

Dr. Long sent the other monitor for backup, but remained rigid in her spot, aware that sudden moves would be a bad idea.

Tyler stopped reaching forward, looking in Josh's eyes.

"I love you. Please don't." He said softly, like it was his most prized secret.

"I have to, you're leaving. I love you so much and if I'm around you I can't promise I'll be strong enough to let you go." Josh choked out between grit teeth.

"I don't want you to let me go Josh." Tyler sobbed out, finally breaking.

"You don't mean that."

"I do." Tyler shouted as he shifted forward to place his hand over Josh's. He could feel the force with which he was holding it, shaking. "You're my lifeline. If you're really sure you want to leave, then, you'll just have to take me with you."