Lifeline {joshler}

twenty

tw: mentions of relapsing.

🌱

Josh quietly tapped out a rhythm on his lap while bouncing one of his legs. Trying desperately to dispel the anxiety that had been pent up recently. He was desperate to be with Tyler but that only made him feel worse, afraid he was being too clingy. He didn't want to smother him or burden him, he was terrified of Tyler finding him too much to handle and walking away, like everyone before him.

"Joshua, can we talk about it?" Dr. Long sat forward, gripping the edge of her folder tightly. "What's wrong?"

Josh avoided looking at her, staring off into space.

"Many things." He mumbled.

"Give me an example?" His therapist continued, watching the way his leg jigged up and down.

"Why?" Josh huffed, folding his arms to stop himself from tapping anymore.

"Joshua." Dr. Long replied sternly, unsurprised by his stubbornness.

"It doesn't matter you can't change anything; I'm just going to be stuck in here for the rest of my life." He spat, not meaning to raise his voice.

"Maybe I can't make it better, but maybe you can by talking about it." Dr. Long replied calmly, not taking the bait for a fight.

Suddenly Josh couldn't stop the flow of words falling out of his mouth. He couldn't stop himself from confessing everything, how he felt like his family resented him for what he did. How he felt like Tyler deserved the moon on a stick and he couldn't give it to him. How he had no future and Tyler had a bright one and was going to actually get out of the facility, half of Josh was so happy for him because Tyler's happiness was his everything but the other half was heartbroken at the thought of being without him.

"Josh, what would you say was the reason why you relapsed?" Dr. Long asked carefully knowing she was in dangerous territory.

Josh avoided her gaze. After everything he confessed to her he felt anxiety bubble in his chest again. It hurt to think about himself in such a negative mind-set. 

"Does Tyler make things better or worse?"

"Better." Josh replied without hesitation.

"It sounds me to like he might not be."

Josh glared at her with disgust. "Bullshit." He knew he was pushing his luck but he was angry.

"You want to punish yourself for not being happy for him, and that's not okay Josh. You aren't bad for wanting to keep him all to yourself, I'm sure he feels the same." The sudden gentleness startled Josh and he sat silently, letting her words echo through his skull.

"You didn't approve of relationships." He challenged, scared this was a trap to confess to a relationship with Tyler beyond friendship.

"I don't. But I spoke to Dr. Kemp after Tyler told her the truth and we discussed it, I was hesitant but she says his improvement is largely down to your influence, and I must admit you were, at least until now, getting much better yourself." The doctor reasoned and Josh felt his heart pounding.

This new information was a lot to take in, Josh's head spun as he tried to process what she was saying.

Tyler had promised him they wouldn't get caught, that they wouldn't get broken apart, and all this time he had been talking to Dr. Kemp about it. He felt a mix of emotions in his stomach, like he was about to throw up.

What else had he been telling his therapist; did she know they slept in the same bed too or was that still their secret? He gripped the arms of the chair tightly as his own therapist continued to talk.

Josh's head was still reeling as he headed back to his room after his therapy session. He needed some time to himself, so lost in his thoughts that he had turned down the wrong corridor. Instead of heading to his room his feet had automatically taken him towards Tyler's room. He mentally berated himself and went to turn around when he heard shouting.

"Please don't do this!"

Josh knew the voice was Tyler's and the distress in it was enough to cause him to go and see what was going on. As he approached the door he heard the shuffling of papers and what sounded like two people struggling against one another.

"It's for your own safety. You'll get them back when you're ready." Dr. Kemp sighed sadly.

Josh approached the door just as a monitor swung it open carrying a handful of pens. Tyler was being held against the wall by another as a third helped Dr. Kemp gather up the sheets of paper that littered his desk and placed them into a folder.

"Josh." Tyler let out a needy a sob, upon seeing his boyfriend. Dr. Kemp looked up at him surprised.

"What are you doing?" Josh asked gesturing to the folder in her hands.

"Confiscating Tyler's pens and paper until he can use them appropriately. That means, you can't give him any of yours Joshua." She said firmly, pushing her glasses further up her nose.

"I-I don't have any." Josh said defensively, holding his hands up. He knew she was saying that because she knew they were more than just friends and it made him feel sick. He wondered how many conversations about his relationship she and Dr. Long had had, it made his skin crawl.

"I was using it appropriately, please I won't do it again! I need it!" Tyler almost fell to his knees as he struggled against the monitors hold.

"I'm sorry Tyler, but it's the rules. I can't have you hurting yourself again, you need to earn back my trust." The therapist gathered the last few pieces of paper and motioned for the monitors to follow her as she left the room.

As the one holding Tyler let him go, he stumbled forward slightly, he made as if he was about to chase the doctor but instead collapsed into Josh's arms. He instantly began sobbing.

Josh guided Tyler over to the bed, both sliding under the white sheets. He lay with Tyler curled against him until his sobs subsided into light snores. Josh didn't say a word the entire time, only stared down at Tyler's features, mapping them out in his mind as he tried to reason with the war waging inside his head.

Josh wanted to comfort him, wanted to hold him, cry for him even. He knew how much writing those songs meant to Tyler, but he also felt like he suddenly knew nothing about him at all.

Why hadn't Tyler told Josh that Dr. Kemp knew about their relationship? Why hadn't he come to Josh when he was hurting himself? Josh felt like no matter how hard he wanted to, he couldn't trust Tyler right now and he needed time to get over it and this was the worst timing possible because Tyler needed him more than ever. But he couldn't help him when he needed to get his head together.

When Tyler woke up, he reached out to be met with empty sheets. Josh had left him while he was sleeping.