Inevitable Conflict

5/26/2017

I went on a date today with Jessica. Well, not an actual date. But we just went to dinner together. We talked about so much and stayed for about an hour and a half. I had such a great time with her.

During dinner we talked about everything. We talking about Logan, friends, her love life, and we actually talked a lot about the hypothetical thought of us getting together.

Jessica has these magical powers it seems. It's almost like every girl she has liked and dated in the past said they were straight when they first met. Meaning she basically turned them all gay. And every darn time I hang out wth Jessica alone I always question my sexuality. After dinner I just started thinking about the possibility and if I could be happy with a girl. And I was seriously questioning myself. Jessica can move anyone's feelings. Except Olivia's.

I told her that when I'm in college, if Im not dating anyone at the time, id call her up and ask her on a date for sure. I always say I would go gay for her. And like I actually am believing I would now.

I never realized how understanding Jessica is. And how much alike we are. We have a lot of the same problems and dislikes and quirky things about ourselves. I never knew we had so much in common, I loved learning more about her.

Jessica (who is a lesbian) has this problem where she falls in love with only straight girls. She says she has loved me before, and her friend Alyssa. And right now she is really in love with Olivia. Hearing her talk about her struggles makes me so sad and angry with myself that I can't make her happy.

That's another story. I never think I can actually make Jessica happy if I ever did date her. I feel too innocent for her and I'm very busy and I don't think I could give her the attention she needs.

I feel really confused and worried and I'm trying so hard to let these feelings go because my stress and anxiety just started to get better. I don't want it to get back to where it was two days ago. I don't want to go back to that feeling