Inevitable Conflict

5/30/2017

Im recording my audition for the South Central Regional Orchestra today. Im so nervous, I really want to be accepted.

Today is the first day of exams. I had my exam in orchestra and I got a good grade on it. I could have left right after that but I didn't get an out of building pass. So I'm stuck here until the eighth period exam.

Im sitting in my English class writing this journal and I can't help but think about Logan. I saw him in orchestra and he was kind of quiet at first but we eventually woke each other up more. We seem to always eventually do that.

Logan is amazing. He has no idea how happy he makes me. I was trying to tell him how happy he makes me last night, but he kept thinking he didn't. One of the things that hurts me the most is when someone I love and care about doesn't know how happy they make me. Logan is that special person.

I don't deserve him. He thinks I am so great, but somehow I am fooling him. I don't know how. I tell him everything. I tell him the truth. He's the person I go to for everything. He sees the worst side of me, yet he still thinks I'm amazing. I don't know how. I don't deserve him. He could do better.

I know this and in a way, I'm pushing my feelings for him away because I know I can't treat Logan right. Part of me doesn't want to fall in love with him because I can't make him happy. Yet every time I see him I can't help myself. I want to be closer and I want to be that special person to him. I want to talk to him and know him more than other girls. I want to be with him and I just get so confused and lost. I don't know what to do.

In lunch today, Logan was telling me about the notes he writes about me and the things we do. He doesn't want me to read them, which I respect. I promised him I wouldn't read them and he didn't trust me at first. But then I think he actually believed me! He let me put my fingerprint in his phone! I always think he really just doesn't trust me. But maybe he actually does...

Nope. Just kidding. I don't think he trusts me

When we're in the same room but were not close to each other and my heart is just breaking. He doesn't know. I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I have to be physically close to him to be happier. I wish he understood. Ugh I hate this hurting. This is why I don't think I could make Logan happy.

He's not paying attention to me. And my heart is breaking. Why do I have to be like this.

My mind is left to wander in my thoughts. Maybe he actually doesn't like me. Maybe he just feels bad for me. He doesn't love me. He thinks I'm trash. He just says I'm not because he feels bad for me.

Im holding back tears in orchestra 😭

My friends are going to read this and they aren't going to understand. They are going to tell me I shouldn't be like this. But they don't know how much I hate being like this. They don't know how much I've tried to fix myself.

Logan prank called someone who wrote their number in his agenda book. He seemed happy when he found out it was girl. See. He doesn't like me.

I give up.