Inevitable Conflict

5/5/2017

I've been crying and holding back tears all day 😪

I wonder if everyone who has been in my position goes through this. This is hardest thing I've probably ever had to do. I constantly need reassurance that I am doing the right thing. And that I have good reason to leave Zach. Because it's so hard to believe I am doing the right thing right now 😭

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm ok today. I can't answer them because every time I try, I get a knot in my throat. The only thing that has made me smile today is Logan.

Logan had a daydream today about me. He imagined us in my room, where I was on my bed and he was in my chair. I had my eyes closed, and he gently came up to me, out his hand on my stomach and kissed me...💗💗💗

I get so many butterflies thinking about that happening. And today in orchestra he helped me to get my mind off of everything. And he looked so handsome today... he gets more attractive to me everyday.

My last drills session for tennis was today. It was kind of sad because I've been going to the same clinic for 6 years, and today was my very last time. I got so close to everyone and made so many new friends. I'm going to miss them

After tennis my mom asked me what I was going to do for prom (it's in one week). I told her I didn't know what I was going to do. I still want to go and get all dressed up and have a good time, but I imagined it all with Zach... and by now all of my friends who are going have dates and so I would be left third, fifth, or even seventh wheeling. So I think I'm just going to go over to Jessica's and hang out with her. I love her so much. She's been so understanding about all of this, and I really needed that.

It's so hard because every time Zach sends me a text I have to reply as if nothing is wrong... and every time I start to cry. Because just think about it. Think about someone who you have been with or known for two years, and who you care about more than anything, and think about knowing you're going to break their heart and probably never see then again in 24 hours. It's breaking my heart to think about it 😭

Logan and Jessica are coming over on Sunday, just at different times. They are both going to comfort me, and I just wish that day could come sooner. I'm going to ask my parents if Logan can come over Saturday instead. I hope he's free. I don't want to wait

Update: he's coming over tomorrow. I can't wait. I need him