Love, Music, And Cancer | OHSHC

LMAC | Chapter Thirty

---Chapter Thirty; Darkness---

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(. . .)

I widened my eyes, dropping my arms to my side, the word 'shock' could've been printed on my face right now. Did he just . . confess? I pressed my lips together and my eyebrows rose up a notch. I couldn't seem to say anything, I couldn't even say the words I wanted to say.

Deep down I wanted to tell him, I wanted to pour it all out. I wanted to express how much he meant to me, I wanted to tell him the truth, I wanted to give him a proper answer. I wanted to give him a truthful answer. Yet there was something else deep down that wanted to protect him, I didn't want to hurt him. And to not hurt him is to lie to him. In the end the truth will only hurt us both, it'll hurt so damn much. And I can't. .I can't risk that. I can't. .I won't let him. .I won't let him suffer with that.

His eyes scanned down to my lips, and just like him I felt the urge to connect our lips. I wanted to, the deep desire was growing in the pit of my stomach. The craving I felt for his lips to be attached to mine succumbed me; and I hated myself for it. Because in the end I was wrong for thinking like this, I was being selfish. .

"I'm sorry Tamaki. .I . ." I pulled back and I could almost see the wave of disappointment wash over his like waves on a shallow beach. "I. .I don't. .like you. .in that way. I-I like you as a friend." the words that spoke no truth felt disgusting as they ran off the tip of my tongue and into the air. Tamaki seemed to become lost in the abyss, but soon gave me a flattering smile. "I know." he sighed deeply and released me from his grasp. I wanted him to touch me again, but that wouldn't happen now or ever again. It was for the best.

He chortled. "I just had to let my feelings out, you know? Haha. ." he laughed as if he didn't care, he laughed so freely and he laughed like nothing I said affected him. But it did, I know it did. They say the windows to the burning soul are the eyes, they tell you how a person really feels. I've never felt more passionate about a sentence, because this sentence was true. It held so much meaning and so much truth inside it. Tamakis eyes were swarming with multiple feelings, there were so many that I couldn't keep count. Hurt, love, regret, they all mixed together in that small circle.

"Yeah, I understand. ." I looked down nervously, wiggling my toes from embarrassment.

Tamaki laced his hand with mine, his gaze not fixated on me anymore. "I don't feel like waiting here anymore, so, let's go. ." he mumbled dryly, but a part of me knew I didn't have a choice. I could at least do this, considering I've already made things worse.

I didn't say anything as he pulled me behind him, his back facing me as he guided me out the office, heading back towards the club room. I lowered my gaze to the clean floor, wondering how on earth I was going to fix this. Once we entered the club room I could almost feel everyone's eyes on me, the females who had given up struck me with light glares, I suddenly wanted to go home. I gripped Tamales hand tighter. He did nothing back in return, or maybe he didn't feel it. It didn't really matter now.

Kyoya was saying something, maybe he was announcing that I was the winner, or something along those lines. I wasn't really listening anymore. I don't even think I was listening in the very beginning, how idiotic of me. Guilt, that's what I'm feeling, it took me a while to think of it. I could taste the bitterness in my mouth, when did I get like this? No matter how much I convince myself that I'm doing the right thing, it's all for the sake of Tamaki, for everyone, there's a voice in the back of my head. . .and it keeps telling me that I'm wrong. I'm not doing this for Tamaki, or anyone. I'm doing it for myself. I'm doing it because, yet again, I'm selfish.