Love, Music, And Cancer | OHSHC

LMAC | Chapter Thirty-Five

---Chapter Thirty-Five; Suicide---

自殺は当時の良いアイデアのように聞こえました。 。 。

(Suicide sounded like a good idea at the time. . .)

I wasn't doing well. .

I mean that's obvious considering I have cancer, but, it's more obvious now. When your basic days consist of laying in a medical bed, undergoing surgeries you notice a few things. You notice how your parent is slowly becoming stressed each and every day, yet she still has that same smile on her face. You notice how your skin and hair color is carefully fading, along with your rapid loss of weight. Then you start to see the world in a different color, the world in black and white. You see that it's lost its honest color, because you too have lost your color and faith deep down.

Me. Ishiyama informed Shido and I that the cancer was spreading fast throughout my body, almost too fast actually. An increase of surgeries was necessary, which is a disadvantage towards visiting hours for me. In the mornings and late afternoons are the only times I can really allow people to see me, I'm too busy dealing with operations and resting to speak to anyone that often anymore. It kinda sucks, I feel like I'm losing my connection with the world. . not to mention that my fingers have been feeling weird. . .I haven't touched the violin in so long, it feels like years.

I laid lazily in bed, the constant beating of the monitor soothing my head as I listened to the classical music from the television, sighing before closing my eyes. My mom was out, she decided to go to work today, or, I encouraged her to go to wrk. If it was up to her she'd stay by my side all day, but, just because I'm sick doesn't mean she has to be sick and miserable with me. On the other hand, my dad was out doing whatever. He did try to visit me here and there but he was the last person I wanted to see right now; it was better for me this way.

"Haruka. ." I glimpsed towards the door, where a spiky black haired male holding onto a rather large gift basket filled with flowers and chocolates stood. "Mori? What are you doing here?" I asked curiously, grabbing the remote and turning the volume down. He placed the large gift basket on the floor near him before taking a seat bedside me. "Just wanted to visit. . ." he mumbled. The club must've finished early today. "Is that gift basket from the Club?" I smiled at the idea, his usual stoic expression remained. "No, that's from Tamaki."

That whole basket? It looks like it came from a group rather then one singular person!?

"Wow. ." was all I said at that. It sounds like Tamaki actually, he would do that sort of thing.

I pushed my hair back, the once soft strands felt uncomfortable now, they were so unkept and scrawny. "Mori, can I ask you something?" I questioned, even though he never holds emotion in his face I could sense the curiosity lingering in his eyes. I licked my lips.

"What would happen if I killed myself?"

My quick question caught him off guard, he widened his eyes as I waited for a response. That heart wrenching question has been in my head since I was ten, the age that I was diagnosed with question, what would it be like, feel like, to die? Not by accident, not by coincidence, but by your own hands, by your own willingness. If I could get it all over with, just finish it off, I wouldn't have to wait for cancer to take my away, I could just do it myself. Yes, it's selfish, but, wouldn't it be better then just waiting for the day my sickness drags me out this world? Drags me out my life?