Shawn Mendes Imagines

#26 eating disorder

please read this!!

i guess this is kinda different from what i ususally write. but you need to know that i only write about things that i somehow relate to so this is what came out of my writing session today. I really do not support this at all, and i want every single one of you who maybe struggls with these kind of problems to know that you're not alone. You are perfect in your own way and if you cant believe that, message me, talk to me about your problems. i'll always be here for you, no matter what. I just wanted to let you know about this.

also, this is written to be continued with a second part. but i wanted to see yor reaction before i'd write more so please let me know how  you feel about this. 

anyways, i love you all a lot. Please stay save and take care xxx

You were standing in your room, in front of your mirror looking yourself up and down. You didn't like what you saw, not at all. You had just eaten so much you didn't even realize until just now, when the binging intoxication you've had had finally ended.

 You were disgusted by what you were seeing, your thick tights, your arms and obviously your stomach. If you were honest there was nothing pretty to see at all. You really badly wanted to just go to the toilet and throw up but you knew you wouldn't be able to. So instead you put your running clothes on and went out. 

You ran your heart out for about half an hour until you decided to go back home. You quickly jumped in the shower but you still felt hate towards yourself. Why did you always have to binge? 

You hated yourself so much for doing it. When you got out of the shower you quickly put on some leggings and one of your boyfriend Shawn's hoodies. You lied down on your bed and starred at the ceiling. 

You should have been doing so many different things, like homework or studying for your exam in a couple of days, but you couldn't do anything else but think of how much you hated yourself. You couldn't believe you had binged today. 

The last couple of days all went perfect. You didn't eat too much throughout the day and were even able to skip dinner a few times. But now you've ruined everything. Eventually a few tears started to form in your eyes and roll down your cheeks. You were so tired of all this. Of all the hate you held inside of you, all the thoughts about food and sports. The more you thought about it the more it hurt and you started crying even harder, you just couldn't keep it anymore.

Suddenly you felt the bed dig in right next to you and you shrieked a little before you realized it was Shawn. "What's wrong y/n, why are you crying?" you heard him asking with concern in his voice. You turned away from him and tried to calm yourself down. What would you tell him? 

How would you explain the mess you were? Nobody ever knew about your struggles. You've had them for more than three years now and no one's ever noticed. You didn't want to tell Shawn because he would want to help you. He would want to help you to go back to normal and healthy eating habits. But that wasn't what you wanted.

 "Y/n you need to tell me what's up, otherwise I can't help you."

You sniffled as you turned back to face him. You saw hurt in his eyes and immediately felt sorry for making him feel that way. "It's nothing. I was just, I don't even know, freaking out a little I guess. Stress." You tried to downplay the situation but you quickly realized Shawn wouldn't believe you.

 He took you in his arms as he whispered "nobody who looks as heartbroken as you do right now can be crying over nothing or just stress. Please, I'm begging you, tell me whats bothering you and I'll make you feel better." 

That was it. You just couldn't hold it back anymore. You sat up straight in bed, focusing the wall behind Shawn.

 "That's exactly the problem Shawn. You can't help me. I've tried to escape from this for the past three years but I just can't. I just keep thinking of how fat I am, I keep starving myself and then I keep hating myself even more for binging. You won't be able to help me. And I don't even want you to. Because I want to starve. I want to feel weak because I haven't eaten properly in days. I want to see those bones under my skin cause that's the only way I can feel beautiful. 

But then there are days like this, where I keep on eating. When I can't stop. And those days are the worst because the hate I feel towards myself just grows and I get tired of myself. I get tired of binging, of giving in to the food. And all I want is to stop caring about it. But I just can't. That's just a part of me which I accepted and no matter how much you'll want to try, you won't be able to fix me. The only help I want is to be able to starve myself and stop binging. But that's nothing you would do because that's so wrong and not healthy at all and I know that. But I just can't help myself." 

After all this came out of your mouth you took a deep breath. Now it was out. He knew. And you couldn't imagine how he'd react. 

You carefully looked at him. He was sitting up too, looking at you. But your hart ached when you saw the tears streaming down his face. 

He was quiet but the impact those tears had on you was insane. You felt yourself tearing up at his sight and all you wanted to do was to take all these words back. 

You couldn't keep up with the thought that you made him feel this way.