The Finest Potato Stories

Forbidden Love Potato

There once was a lovely potato named Carol. She lived in the dirt. She always dreamed of having a true love, but it never quite worked out. It was hard, when there was no one around but her own self.

One day a human dug her up. This was not any ordinary human. As soon as she was dug up, the whole world changed. She looked into the most beautiful thing she had ever seen before. A human face. The face was bright and cheerful, all Carol had ever wanted in life. Carol blushed as the human smiled down at her. 

That night the human took her into the house and put her in a basket. She could tell it hurt the human to go, because it's hand lingered longingly over her before leaving. Just stay, she thought. Then we could be happy.

A while later the human came back and stared around the pantry for a good long while. Carol felt like reached out and taking him in her arms, but she didn't have arms which  made that task a harsh one. "I love you!" She called to the human! "Come see me!" 

It was almost as if the human understood, for he came to stand near her. He then picked her up and looked at her in the eyes. The human started to speak. "Nice skin, free of any growths or anything. Nice and firm." He gave a little squeeze to prove his point. "And, I grew it myself. The first of the new species! I can sell this for so much." 

Carol was agreeing with everything he said. She was a very good potato and was probably worth at least three dollars, but that wasn't the most important thing about her. The most important thing was that she loved him. 

A few minutes later, the potato was dumped back into the bucket with haste. Why are you being rude? I thought we were going so well! 

That night Carol spent dreaming about how she would love that human for the rest of her life, and he, her. They would be the most romantic couple ever. In the morning she woke up to see the human in her face. 

" . . . oh yeah, it's a new species." the human said lovingly while holding a metal block to the side of his face."Yep, no blemishes or anything! If the genetic engineering went well, she won't be rotten for a few years."

Such a long time to spend with you. Carol blinked softly.

"Joe, listen to me." The human said. So his name is Joe. "This potato will be the next multi billion dollar company up in the running! I could make some big bucks off of this." He paused for a moment. ''Shut up Joe." Then he angrily punched the metal box and frowned slightly. 

"Stupid potato." He growled. He grabbed Carol out of the bucket. They headed out a door into the sun filled world, which made Carol cringe. She despised sunlight. 

"Can we please go inside, honey? I'm really not feeling up to this today." Carol reasoned, but Joe the human didn't listen. 

"I'm angry." Joe slammed Carol down onto an outdoor table harshly, causing her to grimace in pain. "I should already have a billion dollars, but I only have twenty."

"I'm sorry." Carol said. "I don't have any money to help you with."

They walked towards the garden, where Carol saw some of her relations bathing calmly in the dirt. 

"Let's dig some of these suckers up!" Joe said dumbly. 

And indeed he did. He crouched onto the hard packed dirt and started shoveling violently. "I WANT POTATOES!" He screamed. 

Eventually Joe got a whole bucket of potatoes and Carol had some new friends. They all seemed equally in love with him for some reason. She watched as two of the potatoes swooned. 

"He's just so pretty." One said. 

"Yeah, agree wit you!" Another said stupidly. 

"Back off! He is mine!" Carol said. "He dug me up first, so he wants me more."

Late that evening there was a loud ringing noise. It seemed to  be coming from the metal block.

" ......any mold?......" said a very faint voice on the other end. 

"Noooooo." Joe said tiredly. "there is absolutely no mold on these potatoes!"

"deal deal you can ship them out tomorrow and I will take them in exchange for a million bucks."

"OOOH ok! That sounds great. I'll get them ready for your man to carry. I assume you will ship them straight here?" 

The mumbling went on for a few more moments. When Joe stopped talking, his face was much happier.

"Honey come say good night!" Carol said, but the pantry door was already closed again. Carol let out a sigh. 

The next morning Carol woke to the jostling motions of the basket. Potatoes were rolling around in the basket, over top of her and doing annoying things. "STOP!" She yelled. "WHERE ARE WE GOING?"

"We are being sold." A potato said.

"What?" Carol may be stupid,  but not so stupid she did not know what sold meant. "We are leaving Joe?"

"Yeah, but no big deal. We'll be gods in this grocery store because we don't grow mold. Our species is nomold solanium. We will be great once again."

Carol was suddenly on the verge of tears. Then she started to cry. "I trusted that turd!" 

She cried so much a great big spot of mold grew upon her skin. 

Her last thought was 'now you'll be sued, because I am indeed, a moldy potato.'