forever fades away

chapter 3

She stared out the window, watching the world pass her by. Going home felt like the right thing to do, but that didn’t mean she was looking forward to it. 

Roswell held so many memories for rachel. Some of which were the best of her life, others that still left her feeling empty and hurt. The stewardess asked if she’d like a drink as she passed by, but rachel declined. She felt sick, she felt nervous but most importantly she felt... alone. 

Rachel had been trying to catch a few hours of sleep to try to keep her mind from racing, but to no avail. The memories slammed through her mind like a freight train and she was defenseless to stop them. 

All the memories were of him. He was supposed to love her forever, he was supposed to be there for her, but those were broken promises. As much as rachel tried to convince herself that she didn’t still care for him, she knew she was just lying to herself. It was pointless to try and argue that fact. He was a part of her heart-- always had been, always would be. 

She decided to get up and walk to the rest room to wash her face, hoping to clear her mind. However, by the time she made it back to her seat the memories washed over her and she leaned back in her seat and waited for the past to relive itself in her heart. 

It was their sophomore year of college and after the big game finn had won for the team. After they celebrated with all their friends, rachel went home to prepare for her own private celebration with finn. She loved him so much and she was so proud of him... she wanted to make sure he knew that. They spent the entire night together and woke up the next morning in each other’s arms. Rachel knew she never wanted to be with anyone else. Finn was it for her. 

That was a good time, a good memory... one of her last good memories with finn. After that night, things changed, not only for Finn , but for their relationship as well. 

He had been away at training camp and he was finally done with it and heading back home to her.

The moment he arrived, Rachel was overwhelmed with so many emotions. She missed him and she was so happy to see him again. After a few minutes of reacquainting themselves they made their way into the living room, since finn had suddenly looked so serious.

“Sure finn, we can talk. About what?” rachel was confused. He didn’t look that excited to see her, and if she was honest with herself, he looked as if he was overcome with dread. Which left her very worried. 

She watched as he took a seat on the couch and reached out for her to join him. She settled herself in his lap and he wrapped his arms around her waist. Why did she think he wasn’t going to tell her something she wanted to hear?

“rach, you know I love you, right?” 

“Of course finn. What kind of a question is that?” She tried to read his eyes, to get some kind of feel for what he was thinking, but she was left with no answers. She would have to wait until he said what he needed to say.

“I just want to make sure you know that I love you rach and I don’t know how to say this.”

“Say what?” rachel asked hesitantly. Surely he wasn’t breaking up with her. No, she was over reacting he was probably going to tell her something about training camp or…

“I think we need to break up rachel.”

“What?! Finn…what are you talking about? Break up? Where is this coming from?” She tried to bite back her tears, but not only were they evident in her eyes, but in her voice as well. How could he do this to them?

“rach, you don’t understand the schedule they have me on…I’ll never be around. It’s too much to ask you to wait for me.” She watched the emotions cross his face; she could tell he didn’t want to do it but then why was he? She could wait for him, he didn’t even ask.

“So that’s it? You get to decide for the both of us? We are in a relationship finn and not a short term one either. I think I deserve to choose what I want to do with my life!” rachel rose to her feet and paced in front of him. This was not happening; that was the only thought that kept crossing her mind. He was not breaking her heart... he was not killing her with his words.

“You don’t understand rach. It wouldn’t be fair. I won’t be home probably more than a few days during the year for God only knows how long. How you can you have a life, sitting at home waiting for me to show up? That’s not a relationship. You deserve more than that and I wish I could give you more... I wish I could give you your forever, but I can’t.” His voice was thick with emotions, and as bad as Rachel felt for him knowing that maybe he didn’t want to do that, maybe he didn’t mean to break her heart, she knew that he did it anyway and no matter what she said, she knew he wasn’t changing his mind.

“Then I guess this is it then, right? You go off and be a big star, and one day when you’re done with everything you can remember what we had and how you threw it away without a second thought.” rachel said sarcastically and then watched as finn dropped to his knees and encircled her waist pleading with her to not be like that. “How can you ask anything of me? How! You’re telling me you don’t want to be with me and that all the dreams I had for us were for nothing. I don’t…why now, finn? You know I would be with you, that I would wait for you.” She cried out to him softly.

“You’d resent me, baby. You don’t think you would but I know you better than you know yourself. And while for a few months it would be okay, maybe even a year, but years rach…years? I have faith in you and our love, but after a while it would bring you down and I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to resent me for ruining your life.”

“So this is better? Being without you? I’m sorry finn but I don’t see how it’s better without you. I don’t see how my life would be better without…you.” rachel fell to her knees and allowed finn to hold her one last time, to kiss her one last time before they said their goodbye. 

“Miss, we are about to land.” rachel was broken from her thoughts. She had thought that thinking about them would help her be angry again, so she could push past the hurt and just stay furious with finn. 

She was wrong. It only left her wanting. Wanting for him, for what they had. She knew they would never be together again, especially now that he’s a very successful player. That dream was over, and rachel knew that she needed to move on with her life. Telling her mind was the easy part; not listening to her heart was the hard part.