forever fades away

chapter 32

They sat in silence for a good ten minutes. Rachel hadn’t moved from his side and she was still grasping his hand. 

“Rachel, thank you for being here with me. I know how hard it must be but I appreciate it so…” His speech was cut short by her index finger against his lips. Her eyes were so red and bloodshot; she looked so tired and weary. Nevertheless, she was still breathtaking to him. She would always be. 

“I wanted to be here. Don’t think anything less, Finn. I could never not be here for you.” Finn tried to smile past the lump in his throat. It wasn’t just a lump of gratefulness. It was also his guilt, threatening to eat him alive. 

She was right; she was always there for him. But where was he? Living the dream, he scoffed to himself. That was a joke. The dream everyone talked about so vividly was her. And he was too stubborn to realize it until it was too late. And because of that he was left his guilt. He knew he shouldn’t be with her. She deserved so much more than him. And he was terrified that if he let the moment slip by, he would never be able to reclaim it. 

“Rachel, stay with me?” His voice was stripped of every dignity he had. His emotions were raw and his heart lay on the line. She could easily turn him away. He was going to be fine. She could walk away and never look back. He deserved it and so he didn’t hope. He simply waited for her response. 

What should she do? She didn’t want to leave him, but what would that mean? It didn’t have to mean anything, right? Rachel tried to convince herself and when she looked back at Finn she knew it would be hard to hold onto her heart, but she needed to do this. Not for him, but for herself. 

“I told you I’m not going anywhere, Finn.” She then stood, crossed the room to turn the light off and returned to his side. She watched him closely as he scooted further over on his bed making room for her to lie down. Without hesitation she removed her shoes and climbed in next to him, being extra careful not to hit his knee. 

She leaned her head on his chest and waited for sleep to overcome, but it didn’t happen. She was next to Finn, lying in bed with Finn and she couldn’t touch him like she ached to. After a few minutes, she thought he may have fallen asleep, so she adjusted herself and tilted her head so that her chin rested on his chest. 

“Hey, can’t sleep?” he asked softly. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her but he couldn’t. It wasn’t his place and she wasn’t his to touch any longer. 

“Not really. How about you?” 

Finn just shrugged and she knew something was wrong. “What is it? Do you hurt? I can get a nurse?” Rachel went to move but Finn quickly wrapped his arms around her stopping her movements. 

“No, I’m fine. I’m just…” 

“What? Tell me Finn.” She pleaded softly. 

“I’m scared. What if they’re wrong, Rachel? What if I can’t play again like I used to?” Rachel could hear the anxiety in his voice and was quick to soothe his worries. She didn’t have to but again she wanted to. 

“Don’t worry, Finn. Everything will be fine.” Rachel reached out and caressed his cheek softly, trying to calm his nerves. And then she heard it, the desperate tone in his voice. 

“It’s all I have, Rachel. It’s all I have and if I don’t have that…then…” He swallowed thickly and she could feel the tears slip down his cheeks. She leaned up and waited until their eyes connected before speaking. 

“No, Finn you have so much more than that,” Rachel whispered out, begging him with her voice to understand what she meant. 

“I do?” He asked hopefully, not really sure how far he should read into her words. 

Rachel leaned in closer. Their lips a mere breath away, she whispered out, “yes,” before pressing her lips softly against his. 

That one moment, the moment she placed her lips against his, Finn Hudson felt hope begin to flutter once again in his heart. And in that moment, another piece of Rachel Berry's heart began to heal.