An ordinary girl

chapter-14

"We are bound to make the same mistake again and again"

People say that life is all about learning from the mistakes and improving them or not repeating them again but what we forgot is the fact that we do learn from our mistakes but at the very end when we have made them repeatedly and have gone into depth of it. History does repeat itself beacuse somewhere it is us who is trying to repeat it let it be by loving the same cold hearted person again and again or by falling for the same excuses.

My thoughts were everywhere and what else was I even suppose to do because sleep was far away from me. I did tried my best to sleep and I even succeeded in doing so but the success was only for few minutes because soon I found myself waking up without any specific reason and after that I tried my best to go back to sleep but I wasn't able to do so. So I made myself a coffee and sat on the balcony and thought about each and everything that was bugging me. It wasn't today's event that was making me go crazy but rather it was all those things and events that had happened in the past and I have never dared to question them because for me it was just a way of showing love. That's what Vansh has always told me that he isn't good with showing love and doesn't know how to do it.

And that's the reason I have considered his every behaviour and every pain he gave as a way of him showing love. Infact there has been one more reason and that's the most important one. I have known Vansh since I was in school (7th standard) and than we befriended each other. I remember that time we were not given personal phones and I use to call him sometimes by my mother's phone and we used to talk for sometimes. But there was a time when we started growing  apart and maybe it was due to the fact that I was young and wanted to live my life freely and I already had a lot of pressure from my parents regarding my studies and I didn't wanted to have more pressure. When in high school I met him again and than we started talking and even developed some feelings for each other but soon I went to other state for my studies but we still used to talk. The problem was that I was young and wasn't that mature to know about love and what it actually meant and being in a coed school gave opportunity to talk to other people. And I started drifting more away from Vansh but soon I realised that I really love him and from than onwards our relation has been very stable. Still I do make mistakes but I never intend to harm him or cause any pain to him and yes I always have this guilt that I have hurted him in the past and if he did something wrong it isn't a big deal and that's why I have always ignored his mistakes even though they were more bigger than mine.

In the starting everything was ok or maybe it was ok because in the starting I never payed any attention to what he did because I was go lost in my guilt that I wanted to make him feel loved. Soon the small small issues started becoming bigger. He was never very found of studies but I have always been a good student and this would always cause a rift between us. He believed that if I will focus on my studies than one day I will surely achieve success and he believed that only one needed to work and that person has to be me and till than he would do any job to live a good life. I was totally fine with his thinking because I was never after his money but I wanted him to do atleast something so that when the time comes I would be able to tel my parents that he is the guy I am in love with.

But what hurted the most was the fact that his family always thought that I am with him because I want something in return but in reality there wasn't anything that he could give me except love and not that I even wanted anything else and above that he never defended me, never stood with me, by my side. And when I used to ask him that why his family thinks so low of me and why hasn't he ever said anything he would simply tell me that it was due to the fact that I treated him so badly in the past but my point is that I have never treated him badly and I accept the fact that I did made mistakes but I wasn't that mature to handle a relation during that time and he too had made mistakes but I don't go around telling everyone about his mistakes. There were many more stories behind every story but I didn't had any more energy left to turn the pages and seek answer. The morning light was indicating the start of the new day and one more night of sleeplessness and endless thoughts. Leaving the thoughts and pains behind I got up to get ready and start my day with a smile with the hope of having day without any more pains and tears.

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