An ordinary girl

chapter-15

"Sometimes the feeling of guilt is so strong that we start questioning our own existence"

Focusing on the work was becoming the hardest thing to do. The more I tried the more I failed. As I sat in my cabin trying to complete all the pending work my thoughts made it difficult. My mind won't just shut up with its constant marathon of thoughts and my stupid heart was somewhere agreeing with it. It was just like trying to forget all the thing when in reality it wasn't possible. How are we suppose to forget the thing which has caused so much of pain and even at a point given us happiness too. Closing the diary and the laptop I took a deep breath and tried to let go of the feeling.

It didn't made the feeling go away rather it made the feeling more stronger. Feeling frustrated with myself I got up and walked towards the window. What I can't understand is the fact that why is it so hard to let it go? Why am I not able to overcome it? Why is it so hard for me to understand the simple fact that I don't deserve this kind of love. The more I questioned myself, the more confusion grew and everything became more complicated. It was quite simple that my love for him has crossed the boundaries where I have started refusing my own conscious and I have started losing my respect. I have always loved him blindly and that's the reason that I have over looked his every mistake.

There was a time when he would claim that no one can love me more than him not even my parents. He would tell me that the amount of love he has given me I can never give it back to him. That time I wasn't able to tell him that he was wrong but now I can definitely tell that he was wrong because he loved me when I was away from him and I on the other hand has loved him by being near to him. I have never doubted his love but now I do have started doubting it and the reasons are quite clear. Doesn't people say that when you are in love you would never harm the other person? They even say that in love you prioritize the other person. But my situation makes me realize only two facts that either the definitions of love given by others are wrong or Vansh's definition is totally different. Maybe he considers pain as a way of love. I know that I shouldn't be judging him but for the past many years that's what I have been doing, just accpeting whatever he says and do. No questions asked and no views given as simple as that. But now I do have started questioning in each and everything because the boy who taught me the real meaning of love is the one who has taught me that nothing lasts forever.

Almost a day has passed and he still hasn't called me. He didn't even texted me once and that's what hurt knowing that this isn't the person I have fallen in love with. The person he showed me and the one with whom I have fallen in love with was someone else and that person would have never hurted me. I have started accepting one simple truth that love has the ability to destroy you completely. Somewhere I even knew that let it be any mistake he makes or any pain he gives at the end I will forgive him and he would again repeat it. I am at that point where I just want to keep him in my life and I just want to make him feel loved even if it means losing my self respect just because of the few mistakes I have committed in the past. The fact that I never really cared about my respect is because it was Vansh who told me that in a relationship there is no thing as self respect. It is just about love and making each other happy but I guess he was wrong respect do have an important place in any relation and now when I realize it, it is of no use because I have already given up my self respect.

Sometimes I really wish that if I would have understood the importance of self respect in a relation quite early things could have been different. If I would have realized on the very day when he first abused me or when he first raised his hands, today I won't have been losing my respect in my own eyes. There is nothing to blame except me because Vansh didn't made me believe in any new theory but he just took advantage of my fears and the guilt that was there. He made me feel so guilty about my mistakes without even my knowing that I never dared to question him. The darkest secrets that I have kept in my heart was making it hard to breathe. I have to let it out but I can't tell it to anyone because I was still worried about his respect even after what he did. I walked back to the table and decided to complete the work.Wiping away the tears I remembered the thing that once Vansh told me. He said "Naya remember that love doesn't cost a thing" but now I know that he was wrong because falling in love with the wrong person can cost you each and everything.

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