An ordinary girl

chapter-19

"Sometimes the most hardest thing to do is to explain yourself to others, especially to that special someone"

The most strongest emotion is felt when you start doubting your ownself and there is no way to describe it, no word is enough and no statement is perfect to explain that emotion. After talking to Vansh's mother the confusion grew and I was again left in a dilemma. I was trying hard to understand the things his mother said and I wanted to know that whether I was really wrong or was it that I was worrying for no reason. Now it was very important for me to know the answer because if I am wrong than definitely I need to repent the mistake.

"Suhana do you think that I am not able to understand Vansh?" I asked the only person who knew everything and l believed that only she can help me overcome the problems right now.

I waited for her to process what I asked and kept looking at her for the answer. By her expression it was clear that she was shocked by my sudden action and after a while she adjusted herself on the couch and after decreasing the volume of the tv she said "I don't know what came to you all sudden that you asked me such a question but the answer to your question is no because Sanaya I don't know about anyone else but how much I have seen you and understood you it is crystal clear that you love Vansh more than you love anyone else and as per understanding is concerned, you understand him because if you won't have been understanding him than this relation wouldn't have lasted this long."

For a second I looked at her and tried to understand whatever she was trying to explain me and I realized that she was right because a relationship is a both sided thing and it can never work if only one tries and the other doesn't. "I don't know Suhana what the actual problem is but each time he has to blame me for everything and even his family does that. I have made mistakes but that doesn't mean that if anything wrong happens than it has to be my fault. He hurts me by his actions and when I try to talk to him and tell him what he did was wrong, all he got to say is that I have never used the word wrong in our relationship but you always does this. If I won't be using the word than how am I suppose to tell him what the problem is. Now his mother is telling me that I don't understand him" I told her the truth.

"That's the thing you see he is not strong enough to accept his fault and he knows that he would never get a girl like you and that's the reason he makes you feel guilty so that you won't be able to leave him" she replied holding my hands.

Listening to her words made me remember some old things. The untold truth was threatening to come out and now it was getting hard to control it. Looking at Suhana I knew that I can tell her. I started telling her some of the deepest secrets that only my heart knew and the scars that no one else has seen except me "you know when was the first time when I doubted his love?" I asked Suhana, she replied "no"

"Well I guess its time to tell you so that the burden from my heart can be lightened a little. When I was in college I used to live in hostel as you know. I remember it was summer break and I was at home when one day Vansh came to meet me as my parents went out but my cousin brother who was 5 years old was with me. When he came we went for a little walk and suddenly he said that he wanted to kiss me. Knowing him I knew that he won't give up untill he gets what he wants and somewhere I too wanted to kiss him. So, we went back to my house and I checked on my brother he was busy watching tv. I came back where Vansh was and we kissed than I told him to leave because it was late and my parents would be home any minute but he refused not because he wanted to spend time with me but just because he wanted to have sex or in his language make love to me. Knowing that I don't have much time and my brother was just in the next room I refused him. He said again and again but everytime I refused him. When I clearly told him that we won't be doing any such thing he left without saying anything and after that he didn't even bothered to call me and when I called he didn't answered it. After few days I came back to the hostel and that's when he talked to me. Actually it won't be considered talking because all he said was that if in future due to any circumstances you have to make a choice between me and your parents whom would you choose. His question made me silent and when he again asked the same thing I told him that I will always choose my parents and you know what after that the very next day we met and that was the first time he raised his hands because I didn't choose him over my parents but still I forgived him" telling her all this brought back the pain and the tears again started to fall.

"Sanaya why didn't you ever told me all this. He did bad and he doesn't deserves you or your apology" she told me while holding. She was right he doesn't deserve me but I guess I am too blind in my love for him to notice the pain he has caused. The fact that he has hurted me and caused such a trauma wasn't the biggest disappointment but what breaks me the most is the fact that he never kept his promises. I will always remember his words that he used to tell me in the starting of our relation "Sanaya I can handle each and everything but I can never see you hurt and promise me you would never cry because your tears make me weak." His promises were like monsoon which stayed for a while and gave happiness and than left with a promise to arrive soon.

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