An ordinary girl

chapter-18

"Guilt is that disease which eats you up entirely and you never realize the marks which it leaves on your soul"

Loving someone is not an easy task because the journey isn't so simple and love does mean walking in a garden which is full of vibrant flowers but it has thorns too. And in order to have the rose you have to deal with its thorns too because they are a part of it. When you love a person you need to embrace them with their goods and bads. You need to hold their hand and cover the miles and together you have to walk the road of love and if one leaves the other than the purpose is lost and the journey is left uncovered. I sat on the couch with Suhana watching tv as I tried to convince myself for one last time so that I can forgive Vansh. I tried to remember all the theories about love, all those sayings and philosophies that suggest that love is not about feeling lonely and being angry but rather its about forgiving. All the theories were able to convince me for a while but than as I would remember all the things he did my will to forgive him was lost.

After hours of convincing myself and finally accepting that it was not enough to convince me I tried to focus on the film which was coming. The film was some sort of comedy drama and it was able to distract me for a while but I guess the determination to free myself from the thoughts and the pains wasn't as strong as the pain itself was. After few minutes I would get lost somewhere else and than after sometime I would be back to the reality. The procedure of distraction and being lost was continuous and the more I tried  to concentrate the more I found myself getting lost. After little more convincing I got up and walked towards the other room dialing Vansh's number and waited for him to receive it.

"Hello" I heard his mothers voice on the other side

"Hello mummy" I addressed her with the same respect and affection as I always did

"How are you?" she asked me

"I am good. How are you?" I asked her back

"I am good and everyone else is also good" she replied

"Ok. Where is Vansh?" I asked her

"He is sleeping. He wasn't feeling well. Did something happened between you both?" she asked me

"No nothing happened" I lied to her not because I was afraid but because I didn't wanted to share our personal matter with her. The fight was between us and we were only supposed to sought it out.

"I don't know what the matter is but tell me why you fight so much with him" she almost blamed me

Her words were enough to freshen the wounds which I was trying to heal so badly. Sighing I tried to answer her as calmly as possible "I didn't fought with him. I don't know why you think like that but it just that we had a little misunderstanding and nothing else"

"Whatever it is but can't you see how badly he is trying for you. He is working so hard for you. My son has given his whole life to you can't you respect it?" she said accusingly

Her blamings were not giving me pains rather they were making me question the patriarch thinking she had. She was able to see how hard her son has tried and the fact that he has given me all his life but my love and efforts were in vain. This was enough to make me lose my temper but still I tried to control my anger and after taking a breath I replied "mummy its not like that. He is not the only one trying I am trying too and I am giving my best but he needs to listen to my problems and he needs to try for this relation to work"

"What more you want from him. You do know that he tried to kill himself because of you and instead for being with him you are blaming him" she said the words not with the emotions of hatred but still I could sense it.

The fact that once he tried to kill himself because of me was enough to make me feel guilty. Each and everytime this was brought up and was thrown at my face without even realizing my situation. I accept that it was my fault and he did something like that because of me but I wasn't entirely wrong. I had just completed my schooling and started college and than there came a time when I used to talk with a boy and I agree that when I was in a relationship with someone else I shouldn't have done that atleast not without his permission but it was that time when Vansh was too dominating. I still very clearly remember that very day. The problem wasn't that Vansh was dominating rather it was the fact that he wanted to get married and he used to tell me that I am his wife and soon we would get married and start a new life and he never asked me what I wanted. He wasn't able to understand me and how could he understand me when he was not even willing to listen. This pressure made me seek someone's else shelter and soon I felt that I was not happy with Vansh and I told him clearly that we need to end this relation now but he didn't accept it and tried to kill himself. His action made me doubt his intentions and above all it made me scared and I went back to him. I was brought back to the reality by his mothers voice.

"Sorry mummy I just zoned out. You are right its my fault I should try to understand him and don't worry I will repent my mistakes. Tell him to call me tomorrow. Goodnight." I told her and ended the call. This is the thing about guilt it makes you weak and destroys you emotionally. Once again I accepted my fault when in reality it wasn't my fault because maybe his mother was right that I am not able to understand him. He already has suffered a lot because me and he almost died because of me. Walking back to the couch I made my mind that now its my turn to love him because maybe it was all my mistake and I was never able to give him the love he deserved. The guilt was eating me up and was making me lose my own worth.

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