Flesh and Blood

2 Years Later

I sat in the back waiting for my match. My phone rang and I looked at the caller ID and sighed. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to hear from her. I didn't hate her, but talking to her brought back too many memories that hurt. We only talked once a year around my birthday. The Whites always send Savannah a packet of pictures of Cassie...I guess that's what they named her. Savannah always wants me to come to her and look at how much the baby has grown and stuff. It was fine at first. They'd come and visit once or twice and they'd send pictures and do video chats and the more they'd do it the more it hurt me. I didn't realize that it would matter so much, but I just couldn't take looking at her anymore. She wasn't my daughter anymore. It was bad enough I carried around a folded 4x6 photo of me holding her the day after she was born around in my wallet. 

"Hi Savannah"

"Hi Jon! SO are you coming??? Don't you want to see her??"

"Uh...yeah. You know let me finish up here. I have a match and then I can come this evening if that's OK. I also really need to talk to you about some stuff so if we can meet up around 7ish that'd be good."

"OK. I'll call you when I'm almost there. I'm so excited. I got to talk to her last night and......."

"Yeah...you know Savannah I really can't talk right now. Tell me later."

"K. See ya"

I hung up the phone and tossed it on my bag in front of me and threw back my head and sighed. Nothing about this was getting any easier for me. I quickly wiped my eyes and lit a cigarette. I needed to focus on this match and not on anything else. 

"FUCK!!"

I threw open the door in the back and kicked a chair across the room in frustration. My mind is so all over the place and not on my match like it should've been and I lost my belt. I was so pissed and not in the mood to deal with Savannah and look at pictures of a child that was no longer mine. I went into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I was tired...the bags and dark circles under my eyes gave it away. I was miserable, frustrated, sleep deprived, and just completely angry all of the time. It never used to be this way. I balled up my fist and thought about punching the mirror, but changed my mind and went to take a shower to wash off all of this blood from the match. I stood there and let the hot water run over me. I had no choice and I couldn't do it anymore. I knew I had to tell Savannah what I had done last week, but I didn't know how she'd react. This whole open adoption thing was so important to her, but for me it was an emotional nightmare that I just wanted to get rid of. It filled me with nothing but guilt and pain and I just wanted to move on. I needed to move on. It had been such a distraction for the last 2 years. 

I packed up my bag and made my way outside. I lit up a cigarette and took a long, deep drag from it. My phone lit up as I blew out the smoke and I groaned in annoyance. Savannah sent me a text to let me know she was almost to our meeting place. I got in the car and turned up the radio really loud. Anything to drown my thoughts. I sang along loudly to Sixx Am while driving there...it took my mind off of everything for now. I pulled up to the lighted park area and parked. I lit another cigarette and got out of the car. Savannah was standing there waiting for me with a huge grin on her face...at least one of us was happy. 

"HI" she said excitedly

"Hey"

"Well don't sound too excited birthday boy!!!"

"Don't worry I won't"

I walked over to the table and sat down. She scooted in next to me and flopped this big photo album in front of me. I sighed in annoyance and rolled my eyes. I didn't realize she had been making photo albums and scrap booking all of this stuff. 

"So I got to talk to her last night. Nancy put her on and she was just talking away about anything and everything. She was talking about their Christmas tree and her doll...."

I was tuning her out. I didn't care at all about her conversation on the phone with a 2 year old. I looked down, pretending to listen, and noticed she had a tattoo of Cassie's name on her arm. I grabbed her wrist

"What is this?"

"What does it look like silly? It's Cassie's name and birth date."

I let go and clenched my jaw. This was becoming a bit much for me. I knew for sure that this was going to be last time that I sat down and did this. She opened the book and started showing me all of the pictures and telling me stories behind them. I didn't care. I'd glance down every couple pictures to look at them, but I just couldn't look anymore. 

"Jon? Aren't you looking?"

"You know what...I'm not. Look Savannah we need to talk. I can't do this anymore. I just can't. My birthday is already depressing enough as it is and having to come here and look at pictures and hear stories about a child that isn't even mine anymore just makes it worse. I know that this whole open adoption is really important to you and all, but it's not to me. She's not my daughter and she's not yours either...not anymore. Her name isn't Cassandra Good it's Cassandra White and she lives in Indiana not Ohio. She's very smart, and pretty, and she looks like you with my eyes, and she's probably going to break a lot of hearts but the reality is that she just is not ours anymore. Savannah you need to face reality. You look at pictures and talk to her on the phone once every so often, but that doesn't make you her mom. To her you're just a nice lady that sends her cards on her birthday and likes to video chat about Minnie Mouse. She doesn't know you....just like she doesn't know me. I'm not trying to hurt you or make you feel bad Savannah, but we had an opportunity when she was born to keep her. We had 45 days after she left to take her back. We chose to leave her with the Whites because you felt bad about hurting them. Because we decided that they could provide for her and give her a life that we couldn't. She made them very happy and completed their family. I'm telling you all of this because I want you to REALLY think about it. Think about what this is really doing to you....."

She broke down and started to cry and closed the book. She put her head down and cried into her arms. I knew this wasn't all it was cracked up to be for her. I knew this killed her inside, but she needed to wake up

"This is all I have Jon. I don't have you or my family or anything anymore. All I have is this tattoo and these books and..."

"I need to tell you something Savannah. I went to the agency last week and closed my end of the adoption. I need to move on. This...what we're doing here right now...hurts me. I can't keep doing this to myself.  I can't look at her anymore. I can't talk about her. I need to just accept that this is what it is and that the decision we made was right regardless of how I really feel inside. I've become so angry, so bitter, distracted, hurt...I'm trying to work on my dream and constantly thinking about her takes away my focus. I just don't think that we can talk anymore Savannah. I will always love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart, but this is goodbye. I'm so sorry for hurting you right now and doing this to you but this is the only way that I can separate myself from this and move on."

I waited for her to say something, but she was silent. Tears streamed down her cheeks and this just made me feel like the biggest, heartless asshole to walk this earth. She packed up her album and hung her head. I sat and watched her for a minute before she got up to leave. She threw her bag in the car and leaned against the car and sobbed. I don't think I've ever hurt someone like this before and it was breaking my heart. I walked over to her and pulled her to me and held her. I couldn't walk away and leave her that upset. She wrapped her arms around me and held on tight. I let her cry it out before giving her one last hug before getting in my car. Next to watching my daughter leave the hospital with someone else this was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.