Flesh and Blood

Past: Bonding Part 2

She stood there just staring at the headstone. I wasn't even sure she had heard everything I had just said. I turned away and sighed. Being here really bothered me a lot. I missed her so much and it hurt to have to tell that story. 

"Is that all?"

I turned around confused  "What?"

"You just abruptly ended...I was just wondering if there was more."

"Not really. Do you have more questions?"

"Where is my mom's son? Do you know?"

I shook my head "No. Your moms husband hated me. She talked about me a lot with him. He never understood what it was like for her. He made her feel really bad about missing you. He kept telling her to get over it. To move on. He was so tired of hearing about you and was even more tired of hearing about me. To be honest...I hadn't seen your mom in a really long time before she contacted me again so I didn't even know that I was constantly brought up. The thing is your mom and I had a special bond...you"

She turned around and threw herself against me. I wrapped my arms around her and softly stroked her hair

"Cassie you were never far from our minds. Especially your mom. She felt so guilty for what she'd done. She never wanted kids when she found out she was pregnant with you, but you changed her mind. She always hoped that one day you'd want to find her.  Maybe we should stop talking about this. I didn't mean to make you sad I just wanted to help you answer your questions is all"

She shook her head "No. It's fine. I just feel really bad that I caused you guys to be so sad all of the time. I didn't know that...I was...."

She started to sob and now I felt bad. I didn't mean to make her feel like she made our lives miserable because she didn't. I pulled her back and held her face in my hands

"No Cassie. No you misunderstand. You don't need to feel bad. My intention was not to make you feel bad or make you think you made our lives miserable because you didn't.  What made us sad was the decision WE made. It had nothing to do with you. None of this was ever your fault and I don't ever want you to think that it was. Cassie your mom loved you. I love you. We just struggled with the fact that we sent you away. We should've found a way to make it work and keep you but, like what the White's did for you earlier, we just wanted you to be happy. OK? So please don't feel bad anymore Cassie."

She looked down and nodded. "What was my mom like?"

I started walking us towards the car. I couldn't stand there staring at the headstone anymore. We leaned against the hood of the car. I looked down, half smiled and sighed 

"Your mom was the sweetest person I knew. I loved the way her hazel eyes would light up when she saw me. Her laugh was so infectious and I had the hardest time saying no to her. She used to make excuses and come up with lies so I would spend time with her more. It was really annoying actually. When I would hug her she would smile, close her eyes and sigh deeply as she cuddled as close as she could. She would just get lost in it. It was like that one hug took all of her troubles away. She was funny, sarcastic, kind...I loved her so much. I couldn't help myself around her. I always kicked myself for breaking up with her and hurting her like I did. She was my best friend and really was my better half. I miss her...I miss her so much it hurts sometimes."

Cassie just sat there staring at her feet, sighed and looked up. I half smiled and motioned for her to get back in the car. We had a plane to catch. She was kind of quiet and distant, but I guess maybe she's just had a long day. I would look over at her every so often and she would just be staring out of the window. 

"Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"Why did you break up with my mom?  Why'd you stop talking for so long?"

"We broke up because that's what we agreed we'd do after the White's took you from the hospital. I don't think we really had a good reason as to why. I think she was afraid she would ruin my life and I was convinced that I would ruin hers. I dunno actually. We stopped talking because of you. What was happening is that every couple months your parents would send your mom pictures of you and she and I would meet at the park and look at them and talk about you. Your mom would talk to you on the phone. They came to visit once. It was an open adoption at first. But it started to become incredibly hard for me. I wanted you here and you weren't and it was starting to get to me. Your mom talked about you like you were right there. It felt almost like your mom was using the White's as a way to hold onto you without actually having to parent you. I couldn't take it anymore. I went to the courthouse and filed the papers to close the adoption. I was so upset, so distracted, so stressed....I started using drugs as a way to cope. I was in the middle of starting my career and I just couldn't do this anymore. I felt horrible. I hurt your mom so much that night. I told her that I loved her but that we couldn't talk anymore. She was so sad and hurt and I just felt like the biggest asshole to walk this planet.  We didn't talk after that night."

"Oh. So where are we going now?"

"Airport. Going to be going home."

I looked over at her for a second and her eyes were wide with fear. Did she think we were going to be driving to Nevada??

"You've never flown before?"

She shook her head

"Don't worry. It's no big deal. Take off is the worst part, but I'm right here so don't worry. You'll be fine."