Flesh and Blood

Starting Over

We spent the evening doing anything (within reason) she wanted to do. I hadn't seen her smile this much in a long time and I was starting to realize how much I was missing out on. We walked along the downtown and she stopped in front of a pet store to look at the kittens in the window. 

"I hate cats"

"How do you hate something this cute??"

"Because I don't see cute kitten...I see destructive adult cat of the future, clawing my legs."

She laughed a little and we continued to walk. I looked down at my watch and it was getting late and we still needed to talk. I wasn't trying to ruin the evening I just wanted this fixed tonight. We stopped because she wanted frozen yogurt and then we walked to a park and sat on one of the benches. We sat in silence for a few minutes, finishing the yogurt and watching the water

"Cassie...I'm sorry if this ruins our night, but we need to do this."

Her smiled faded and she looked down

"Cassie I owe you a HUGE apology for the way the last 6 months have gone. I never...I don't know...I guess I just didn't think. I was so used to my routine that I just assumed that you moving in wasn't going to change things. I'm so sorry that I never considered how what I did made you feel. I didn't mean to get so out of control with no regard for you. It wasn't fair to make you the adult in this situation and I'm incredibly sorry that it scared you and made you think you had to sit up with me every night and not sleep. And I'm really sorry because I'm sure it was incredibly embarrassing to have to have your boyfriend help you get me into bed."

"Yeah."

"So we need to talk about you and what's going on. I know some of it is my fault and I take responsibility for it. But what I don't understand is why you were doing those things....drinking, drugs, sex...don't take this the wrong way but I thought you were smarter than that."

Tears started to stream down her cheeks already and I knew this wasn't going to end as well as I hoped.  I reached over and wiped them from her cheeks

"I'm sorry dad. I just...I don't know. I wanted some attention and I thought it was going to be fun. I didn't mean to get pregnant. I didn't mean to disappoint you and everyone else.  I'm sorry OK...I'm just so sorry. I never wanted this. I just want to do the things like we were doing tonight. I wanted you to want to take care of me and love me and do things with me like when I first moved in. You taught me how to drive and would spend all kinds of time with me. Now I'm lucky if I even get a hello at the door."

"You don't disappoint me. You, as a person, do not disappoint me.  What disappoints me are the things you do and say. The other day...the way you yelled at me...the language...that can't happen again. I can't allow you to talk to me that way. I know I have been a jerk and I know I hurt you and frustrated you, but you just can't treat me that way. I'll give you a free pass on the other day, but from now on it can't happen anymore. I'm still your father and you still need to treat me with respect. I don't talk to you that way...even when I'm angry or frustrated with you...so please don't talk to me that way. OK?"

She nodded and mumbled "Sorry"

"It's alright Cassie. So, I guess now we need to figure out what we're going to do about this pregnancy situation.  What do you want to do? It's not my body and I can't tell you what decision to make. You're old enough to decide and figure out what you want. I'm just here to help you."

"You don't care?"

"What that you're pregnant? No, I care and I'm still trying to deal with it  but there's nothing either of us can do about it because it's already happened."

"No, I meant you don't care what I decide?"

"I will always care, but I can't force you to do one thing over another. You have 3 options and it's up to you. If your ex boyfriend isn't going to help or be there then it's my job. So, tell me what you've been thinking because I know you've been thinking about it."

"I want to keep it"

I closed my eyes and sighed. I saw that coming.  I just didn't think she was prepared for what that meant

"You're sure? That's a huge responsibility and burden to take on as an adult let alone as someone your age."

"I'm sure. I can do it."

"Cassie, then here's the reality. This is going to have to be all you. You know what my work schedule is like. I will help you when I can but it's going to be mostly you. I still expect you to go to school and you HAVE to graduate. That is my rule about this. It won't be easy, but I expect you do it. There aren't any excuses. I will help you financially, but after you graduate you need to get a job and start trying to do this on your own. I promise to help you. I'm not going to let you fail or leave you hanging. I'm just giving you the reality of what I expect. Now that you know what I expect do you still want to keep it?"

She nodded "Yes. Can I do home school?"

"I'll have to think about that. Right now my answer is no."  I looked down at my watch "It's getting really late so we should wrap this up. Here's the point of doing this; I wanted us to talk and figure things out because I think we need to start over. Clean slate. I will respect you and you will respect me. This is our chance to make everything right.  I want to see you smile and be happy like tonight....I want to see that every day. The Cassie lately is not the Cassie I met last December."

She threw her arms around me and held on tight. "I love you daddy."

I wrapped my arms around her and smiled "I love you too Cassie"