Flesh and Blood

Drunk:Memories

I stumbled through the door somewhere between 2am and 3am. Seth had driven me home from a huge party at his house. I did things that I probably shouldn't have.  I had sex, I drank, I did a little of this and a lot of that....I can't really recall what it was I was doing, but I was still doing it. I was way past curfew and given my current track record and the recent incident at school I knew the grounding of a lifetime was coming.

The house was dark and I knew everyone was in bed....or so I thought. The light in the family room came on and there was my dad and mom. Sitting there glaring at me. I busted out laughing. I was obviously drunk but also still mildly high from the ecstasy I had been taking. 

"Cassandra Irene White do you have any idea what time it is or how late you are?"

Laughing "Nope"

"Are you drunk?"

Laughing "Maaaayyyyybe."

I knew my parents had had it with me and my behavior as of late. Ever since Travis and Zack spilled the beans about me being adopted I've been really hard to live with. My attitude and anger got worse and I stopped caring. The only thing I cared about was trying to figure out who I really was. I was swaying and thinking about things when my dad grabbed my arms and was nose to nose with me. My parents never really lost their temper with me and my dad never did something like this until now. He was so angry and frustrated. He shook me as he yelled

"What the hell is the matter with you? You go out and get yourself suspended for mouthing off to your teacher. You ditch school and run off with some boy we don't know. You come home drunk and high and well after curfew. Who in the hell are you? Answer me Cassandra"

The tears streamed down my cheeks. He was hurting me and scaring me and I didn't know how to answer. 

"Who am I? You tell me!! I don't know"

He looked down at my neck and saw the small hickey and it got even madder and squeezed my arms harder

"Who is this boy?  HUH? How old is he? Is he the one giving you drugs and alcohol?  Say something Cassandra"

"Ow you're hurting me"

"I don't care. Tell me NOW Cassandra"

"His name is Seth and everyone there was doing it. You know what do you care anyway? I'm not even your daughter"

I knew the minute I said it that I was completely wrong. It just sort of came out...like word vomit. I glanced at my mother who had started to cry. I wasn't sure if it was because of what I said, the way my dad was reacting to me or all of it at once. I could see his blood boiling. He was so angry at me. My dad never got angry...ever...usually...so that told me that I completely and totally screwed up. He kept a hold of my arms and we stood there until a soft cry came from my mother 

"Do you see what you did? You made your mother cry. Are you happy now?"

I actually started laughing. I don't know why...probably because I was drunk, but I laughed. He reached back and slapped me hard in the face. My parents had NEVER laid a hand on us ever. I was completely shocked at first, but then mad. I ripped my arms away and ran upstairs. I paused at the top to see my brothers looking at me surprised over what had just happened. I guess they came to see the show when they heard all the initial yelling. Tears were streaming down my cheeks. I never felt more unwanted and hurt in my life. I turned towards my door and my oldest brother, Travis, reached for me

"Cassie...."

I quickly went by and closed my bedroom door and pushed my bureau in front of the door enough to block it from being opened. I backed away and sat in the middle of the floor, hugging myself and sobbing. My life was spiraling out of control and I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't even feel like I knew who I was anymore. All I wanted was to find who I was and where I really belonged. If Zack and Travis had kept their mouths shut I would never have known. I liked the little white lie that my blue eyes were because I was special. That I didn't look like them because I wasn't meant to. Not because I was adopted. Something about finding out I was adopted made me feel unloved and abandoned and betrayed. I felt like my whole life was a lie and that somewhere out there was the life I was meant to live. 

I woke up the next morning in my bed, the bureau had been moved and the bathroom door connecting the bedrooms was opened. I forgot about that stupid door. I got up and pulled out an outfit from the drawers and laid it on the counter in the bathroom. I closed the doors connecting the rooms and locked them.  I stared at myself in the mirror. The hickey was more noticeable today and my eyes were red and raw from crying. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed and took a shower. I stood under the hot water and closed my eyes 

4 years ago

"That dress looks so cute on you Cassie. Do you want it?"

Nodding "Yes, please. Thanks mom."

We walked to the food court to have lunch. I brought over my tray as my mom's cell phone rang

"Hello...Jon? Wow! We didn't think we'd ever hear from you again based on what we were told."

She looked over at me and smiled as I shoved french fries in my mouth

"She's good. We're shopping for a 6th grade promotion dress. Are you reopening? Oh..."

I watched as her face dropped and she suddenly looked sad. I looked at her confused

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. Thanks for letting me know Jon."

She hung up and kind of looked at me with a sad face

"Mom what happened? Who is Jon??"

"Jon is a business partner. He called to tell me a good friend just passed away."

The banging on the outside of the bathroom door broke my thoughts. I quickly finished the shower and got dressed. I opened the door and Travis was standing there. He pushed past me and headed for the shower

"A simple excuse me would've been nice"

"Look who's talking about being nice"

I went over to my bed and sat down with my baby book and photo album sprawled out in front of me. My mom filled in all of the important information in the baby book, but never put in any pictures. The photo album didn't contain any pictures of me before the age of 3. I looked up to see Travis standing in the doorway of the bathroom watching me

"What?"

He got dressed and came back

"What do you want Trav?"

"Are you OK after last night?"

"I guess.  Were you the one who put me to bed and moved the bureau?"

"Yeah. I feel kind of bad because I feel like all of this is partially because of what Zack and I told you about being adopted."

I looked down and then back up "It's true isn't it...I am adopted...that's why there's no baby pictures or pictures of me before 3"

"There are pictures. Just not in the books. Follow me."