Flesh and Blood

2006 Part 2

Dec 7th    12am

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"

About 10 of my friends burst into my room to wish me a happy 21st birthday. I was half asleep and thought at first that someone was telling me Savannah had called me. I smiled and laid back down to go back to sleep. I'd been really stressed out lately and had horrible insomnia. It didn't help that I had gotten myself into drugs as a way to cope. Everyone kept trying to pull me out of bed, but I wouldn't budge. 

"Please let me sleep" I mumbled as I threw the covers over me and put the pillow over my head

Everyone left the room and I took the pillow off of my head and settled back in to sleep. My phone rang around 6am and I answered

"Hello"

"Jon?  It's time. Please come"

I yawned "Alright. Let me shower and I'll be on my way."

I sleepily got up and made my way to the shower. This was really not how I intended to spend my 21st birthday...sitting in a hospital for who knows how long. Then it dawned on me that my daughter would have the same birthday as me and it made me smile, but it made me sad at the same time as the hot water ran over my head. I got out, got dressed and made a quick stop at Starbucks. By the time I got to the hospital it would be after 8am which was plenty of time for her to get settled and everything ready. Savannah and I agreed to stay together until after the baby came and then we'd go our separate ways. I felt bad about leaving her to go through this alone and it made things with her parents easier to deal with. What I wasn't ready to tell her or admit is this whole process has been emotionally draining for me. It's stressed me out and made it very hard for me to deal with everything. It's made me very sad and I've kind of grown attached to the idea of having a baby. I didn't expect to feel this way at all or even care. I wanted to stay detached from the whole situation, but one day we were sitting at the park talking and I put my hand on her stomach and the baby kicked me. It was like someone flipped a switch in me and I suddenly wanted to keep her, hold her, watch her grow up. But the harsh reality was we both made the decision that we couldn't do it. We couldn't give her all the things she deserved or needed. Neither of us had steady income and I was constantly going from place to place wrestling, making $100 here...$50 there. It was hard enough for us to take care of ourselves let alone trying to raise a baby. She was better off with the family that is adopting her. 

I let Savannah handle all of that. She picked a family who already had two boys and desperately wanted a girl, but couldn't have any more kids. And they were great to Savannah...helping her when they could. They wanted this baby so much and no matter how much I wanted her too...I knew they wanted her more. The one day I had lunch with them and Savannah they were showing us pictures of her room and all the stuff they had for her and we both knew that they could give her so much more. She'd have the life we desperately wanted to give her, but couldn't.  I arrived at the hospital, parked my car and got out. I stood there at the back of the car and sighed and pulled out a cigarette. I didn't want to smoke before going upstairs, but I was nervous and upset and tired and I knew that as hard as this was going to be for me it was going to be 100 times worse for Savannah.

I made my way up to the nurses station and they seemed irritated when I asked for a guest pass for her room. I made my way down there and opened the door and I could see why. The room was overloaded with people...her parents...the adoptive parents...their two kids...the hospital social worker....the agency social worker...and then there's poor Savannah looking stressed out and overwhelmed. I couldn't even move past the door and then I was bumped from behind as a nurse tried to come in to do her job. She was trying to get everyone's attention, but no one was listening to her so I finally spoke up

"HEY...she's talking" I pointed at the nurse

She looked at me with a look on her face that said "thank you"

Nurse: "I really need everyone to calm down and stay quiet or I'm going to have to ask some of you to leave."

I pushed my way over to Savannah and she grabbed onto me. She looked scared and overwhelmed. I caressed her cheek 

"Are you OK?"

Her mom interjected "She's fine."

I looked over at her "I was talking to Savannah."

Sure it was rude. I was always rude to her family because they were rude to me. I never gave them a reason to treat me this way and I didn't start being rude back until recently. 

"Are you OK?"

The tears started welling up in her eyes and she shook her head. I wiped away the tears and kissed her cheek

"Has anyone bothered to ask you what you want?"

She shook her head and I purposely asked her out loud

"Savannah do you want all of these people in here?"

She hesitated for a second, afraid she was going to hurt feelings or make someone mad...I didn't care either way, and then shook her head. I turned and waited for everyone to leave and then flopped down in the chair next to her. She finally smiled a little and seemed to relax a bit. We just kind of sat there in silence for a little while

"Happy Birthday"

I smiled "Thank you."

"Jon?"

"Hmm?"

".....uh.....I....I don't know if I can do this."

"What do you mean?"

"I've been thinking and I'm like...I don't know...I kind of want to keep her"

"Honestly? So do I. You know there's still time. We can change our minds. That social worker for the agency said we can change our mind and that it was OK."

"I know, but I feel really bad Jon. Like the Whites have been so wonderful and they're such great people. And they really really want her and they'll give her a life that we could only hope to give her. I want to keep her so badly Jon, but I'm just afraid that if I do it's going to ruin all of our lives...hers included."

"It's up to you Savannah. I'll do whatever you want. I just want to do the right thing."

She slightly nodded and turned her head and stared out the window. I knew what it meant and a part of me was disappointed. The nurse came in to check on her and suddenly it was time. The baby's adoptive parents were allowed in the room and the whole process started. I didn't know the details of what happens after she was born so I was just playing it by ear.  A few hours later she was here. The part I wasn't expecting was being completely shut out once she arrived. I wanted to catch a glimpse of her, but the nurses whisked her out of the room and took her to another room with her new parents. They finished up with Savannah and we were moved to another floor away from the maternity floor. I took a minute to myself outside and went back upstairs and found her sitting alone in her room crying.  I sighed and at next to her on the bed facing her and put my hand on her knee

"Want to talk about it?"

She shook her head "Not really."

"You sure?"

"I just didn't expect to feel this way. I didn't expect to care. And now...you know...you and I don't exist now and so I'm just sad."

"I forgot about our agreement. I can stay a little longer if you'd like. I'm not a total jerk ya know. I do love you Savannah...that's never changed."

"Can you stay until the exchange is over? Like I won't expect you to stay afterwards or whatever...I..."

She started to cry again and I sighed. I laid down next to her and pulled her to me. She laid her head on my chest and I gently ran my fingers through her hair. I didn't hate her. I didn't really want to break up with her, but it was just better this way in the end.  I looked down and noticed she fell asleep. I kissed her forehead and wrapped my arms around her and laid there thinking for a while before drifting off to sleep.