Flesh and Blood

Made It Worse

I hadn't slept all night. I was so worried about her, but as I figured because I'm not technically family they won't let me see her. I didn't like that she was alone. I didn't want her to be alone. I sat in the waiting room...waiting. The sun was coming up and I was watching people come and go. I was tired of sitting around. I wanted to know how she was, if she was going to be alright...something...anything. 

"Jon?"

I turned around and the counselor and the lawyer were behind me with another woman. 

"Jon this is a representative for the Indiana family services."

I nodded and waited to hear the news. 

Lawyer: "So the judge has decided is that the state will take custody of Cassie for now.  They'll be making all decisions about care and living arrangements until the judge can hear testimony, and the family services can do an evaluation."

"Wait...so what happens to Cassie?"

"Until the judge can make a ruling she belongs to the state."

"Wait a second that's not what we talked about. You said you were going to help? You've made it worse. Do you realize how scared she's going to be. The point..."

"Jon, this is the best we can do right now. If Cassie wakes up she still has to stay here for mandatory psych evaluation and depending on what they think it could be weeks after waking up before she's even ready to leave. This is just temporary Jon. This isn't permanent. Your parental rights still have to be reinstated and there has to be a trial....which I'm trying to get everything in one trial so we can expedite the process. I promise you I'm doing everything I can to help. Right now the judge feels it's in Cassie's best interest to turn her over to the state."

"Can I see her? Please"

"Let me see what I can do OK"

The three of them got up and went to the desk and I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. They came back over and sat down

"Alright we worked it out so you can see her and visit for about 10 minutes"

"Only 10 minutes? She's been so alone lately...I just don't want her to wake up feeling abandoned. I can't leave her alone."

The woman from the state looked over at me "It's a 'long' 10 minutes if you know what I mean"

I half smiled and followed the nurse down to the end of the hall and paused at the door. She explained a bunch of things and gave me a sympathetic smile as she held open the door. I reluctantly walked in with my head down. I didn't want to look at her and I just stood there by the wall for a second. I closed my eyes and gave myself a pep talk, looked up and my heart sank. I never in a million years thought I'd ever be in this position. She was so pale and everything about the way she looked showed that she was just full of overwhelming sadness. I walked over to her and sighed. I didn't know what to say or what to do. I just felt sad and my heart was breaking. It felt so unfair. I just started to get to know her after all of this time and now I might be saying goodbye. I bent down and kissed her cheek and held her hand...she was so cold. 

I sighed "Cassie...Where do you think you're going kiddo? Huh? You don't get to walk out of my life like this. You need to do me a favor and tell your mom that I said she has to wait. I get to have you first.  Seriously though Cassie I just wish I could understand. I know that it's hard for you here, but you should've called me or tried to find me. Cassie I told you that I'm always here...no matter where in the world I am I will ALWAYS make time for you. I never thought it would get this far. I wish it was me and not you. You never deserved this. I'm so sorry that you felt like this was your only choice. I'm trying to make this right and in my attempts to keep my promises to you I'm afraid I might have made it worse. I'm trying to get you back Cassie. I'm trying to keep you from having to go back to that house. I want you to live with me so we can be a family the way it always should've been. But you have to wake up and get better first. I love you so much more than you'll ever know Cassie. Please stay. Please. How am I supposed to walk you down the aisle or watch you raise a family if you leave me??"

The woman from family services stepped in the room and before she could even speak I blurted out

"I won't leave her"

"I'm sorry...you have to"

I looked back and Cassie and shook my head "I can't. She needs me"

"Mr. Good I'm terribly sorry, but you HAVE to go."

"I just can't. What if she wakes up and I'm not here?? You have kids right? Think about how you would feel if someone told you that you couldn't stay with them and comfort them?  I'm not going anywhere with her obviously. Put some cops outside the door if you're worried. I will NOT leave her. Please try to understand. I'm not going to interfere in anything or argue. I just need to stay with her."

She sighed in annoyance and left the room. I pulled up a chair and sat down and just talked to her. There was no set topic. I just talked about anything and everything. It was mainly to keep myself sane. I yawned and propped my arm up on the arm rest and laid my head in my hand and dozed off.