Flesh and Blood

Painful Choices

I sat in the jury box next to the lady from the family services department. My dad and his lawyer sat on the left. My adoptive parents and their lawyer on the right. My temporary foster parents sat in the audience. Yep...foster parents...a whole new house, new set of rules...more parents.  Once I was able to leave the hospital I had to be placed somewhere since I belonged to the state. They were nice...a lot of rules, but I guess they had to since I have a "history of behavioral issues".  Whatever, I thought to myself while rolling my eyes. I wasn't going to press my luck with these people. At least they treated me with respect and like a human being. In return they've actually let me babysit their 5 year old daughter a few times while they went out to dinner. I hadn't seen or talked to my dad since I exploded on him and I got lectured by Colby. I looked over and he half smiled at me and looked down. I really hurt his feelings that day and I can tell he's only here because he has to be. I didn't mean what I said....he's my dad and I love him. I never meant to hurt him.  I've had lunch a few times with my mom since the hospital...I've hurt a lot of people lately. And I'm here today to hurt someone again. Because lets face it, someone is going to get hurt by whatever my decision is going to be. I looked over at my dad again and he just seemed so distracted and uncomfortable. I was learning first hand the power that words, spoken in anger, even when they are words you don't mean can have on someone. I used to not care about whose feelings I was hurting or what I was doing. I did exactly what he had asked me not to do....I spoke without thinking first. I just really wanted to apologize. 

I just wanted this whole process to be over soon. I was tired of constantly being interviewed and evaluated. I didn't like the lady sitting next to me. I don't even know her name that's how much I don't care about her. She's a pain in my ass and she's rude. We all stood up as the judge entered the room. I wasn't even sure at this point what my decision was going to be. I actually felt bad about the idea of hurting any of them. He started talking and I tuned him out. I looked around the room at everyone. My dad and mom were listening intently, but no reactions. I looked over at my dad again, but he had his head down. Something was really wrong. He seemed sad and worried about something. He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. I knew for sure something was wrong.  The lady from the state stood up and started reading her assessment of things. I was tuning her out for the most part until she started talking about my dad

"In the case of the biological father, Jonathan Good, I visited the home in Las Vegas, Nevada...."

Ooooo he lives in Vegas? I didn't know that. I thought to myself while listening to her talk

"He lives in a safe neighborhood and the home is large enough to accomodate the minor.  Mr. Good has a full time job and is able to provide for her. However, he is not married and has no family. Because of the profession that he is in he is only home one or two days a week. The concern is the amount of time the child would be spending alone given her history of mental and behavioral issues..."

Mental issues? Wow...thanks for that. I gave her a confused disgusted look. I looked down at my wrist and sighed and started to tune her out. If I didn't get to live with my dad she'd be the reason why. She finally sat down and I glanced up at my dad. He turned his head away and looked down again. He thinks he's going to lose. It was starting to make sense. He didn't think he had a chance of the judge giving him custody. He won't look at me because he can't.  Suddenly the lady from the state nudged my arm and I looked up. She motioned for me to get up and I followed her to the judges chambers. I sat down in one of the chairs in front of his desk and started bouncing my leg. I was really nervous and my heart was pounding in my chest. This was a do or die moment for me. The decision I make could affect A LOT of things in my life and it also affects A LOT of people out there as well. The judge came in and sat down at his desk and my palms started to sweat. I wiped them on my skirt and ran my fingers through my hair and sighed.