Flesh and Blood

What Do I Do?

I helped Cassie out of the bathroom and over to the couch. I handed her a bottle of water, grabbed my gear and went into the bathroom to change. I sighed deeply, ran my fingers through my hair and stared at myself in the mirror. Part of this is your fault.  I said to myself as I changed. I finished up and came out of the bathroom to see Cassie asleep. I quietly grabbed my pads from my bag and set them on the chair closest to the door. The door opened and Colby walked in. I put my finger to my lips and pointed at the couch. He tapped his watch and I nodded. I went over to Cassie and half smiled. I moved the hair out of her face and rubbed her back

"Cassie"

"Hmm?"

She was more than half asleep. She won't even remember what I'm about to tell her

"Hey...I have to go to my match. I'll be back in a little while. Just stay here and rest OK?"

"Mmmhmm"  

I kissed her forehead, grabbed my pads and walked out of the door with Colby.  We walked part of the way in silence. I knew he wanted to know why Cassie was with me this time. I've never brought her with me. I've never needed to. Now I feel like I can't leave her home alone anymore and part of that is my own fault. It's not that I shouldn't be trusting my daughter because I do.  I just feel like she'll get in less trouble if she's here with me. I looked over at Colby and he was looking at me practically silently begging me to tell him so I stopped walking

"You want to know why Cassie is here don't you"

"Well, yeah you've never brought her here before. Everything alright?"

"Not really and part of this is my fault. She's been ditching school and getting into trouble and it's just easier to keep her where I can see her versus trusting that she's doing what she's supposed to at home. Plus I really fucked up since she moved in with me and I owe it to her to spend time with her."

"What'd you do?"

"I started going back to my old routine when I was home. I'd go party on the strip and sleep around and bring random chicks home with me. Kind of had no regard for her or her feelings. Didn't really realize that I had turned her into the adult. I'd come home sloppy drunk and she and her ex boyfriend would drag me to bed every night and then she'd sit up with me all night worried I wasn't going to wake up. SO as a result she'd be late or not go to school.  And....and this is the REALLY embarrassing part...I apparently kept calling her Savannah"

"JON!!! Jesus."

"I know, I know, I know. You don't have to say it. I know.  I feel like shit. I ignored her and...I just didn't do what I was supposed to and I feel like a total asshole."

"You should. After all you went through to bring her out there with you....to get her back and that's what you do to her? Jon! Jesus Christ what is wrong with you???  You have a daughter now...you can't be living it up like you're 21. Why am I lecturing you?? Get your head out of your ass. My God."

"I know alright. Plus I don't know what to do 'cause what I told you isn't even half of the problem. I take some of the blame for this...she and that now ex boyfriend would drink my liquor and replace it with water, get high and have sex..."

"She was bored and doing it for attention I would assume...and probably because you were leading by example..."

"Yeah well...she's pregnant"

He sighed "Oh God."

"Yeah" I nodded

"Seems all too familiar doesn't it?"

"Well, only difference is we were older and I stuck by Savannah. Apparently this guy dumped her the second she told him. Anyway I don't know what to do. I haven't even asked what she wants to do. I'm still reeling from the fact that this has happened at all. It's like history repeating itself. I never thought I'd be having that conversation with her."

"Well, let her decide what she wants. It's her body...her "mistake". She's the one who has to live with the consequences. She's almost 17 so she knew that what she was doing was irresponsible and wrong. Just support her. That's all you can do. Come on...we have a match"

We walked down to the gorilla and waited for our match to get under way. It had been a really long time since Colby and I tagged together. I had forgotten how fun it was. My mind was so all over the place tonight though. I really wish I could focus, but I couldn't stop thinking about Cassie and the other night. I really felt horrible about everything and I just wanted to sit down and talk it out. She hadn't really been willing to talk about much lately. I think she's still angry with me. The match ended and I went back to my locker room to shower and see if Cassie was willing to talk. I went straight to the bathroom to take the shower. I just assumed she was still sleeping. I came out of the bathroom towel drying my hair and Cassie wasn't anywhere to be found. My wallet was sitting on the table by the couch with my credit card next to it. I sighed and tried very hard to not get pissed off even though she essentially just stole from me. What goes through her head!?! Colby walked in the door with his oldest son, Tristan, who looked like he was in  A LOT of trouble

Colby: "Tell Jon now."

"Dad"

"Do it Tristan"

"I drove Cassie to the Greyhound station downtown. She said she wanted to see her mom."

"How long ago?"

He shrugged "I don't know like 45 minutes."

I grabbed my wallet and got in the car and programmed my GPS and headed to find her. I really wish she'd just talk to me instead of running. I would've taken her if she really wanted to see her mom that badly. I pulled into the station parking lot and got out and started walking around to find her. I went to the ticket counter and asked if there were buses to Indianapolis. That's where I thought she was headed, but instead I found her sitting at the terminal to Cincinnati. I walked over and sat next to her

"Tristan ratted me out didn't he?"

"Sorta. Colby made him tell me"

"Figures"

"Cassie...you stole from me AND you ran away...why?  If you wanted to see your mom that badly you should've just asked me. I would've taken you there. I can take you any time you want. You don't have to steal and run away...what does that accomplish? I really think we need to sit down and talk Cass. I really do. There's a lot that's bothering me and I want to sort it out so we can move on. Please? We can go to dinner first. You have to be hungry I haven't seen you eat all day."

She nodded sadly and followed me to the car.  We drove for a while and I stopped at a pizza place. I knew she loved pizza and maybe that'd cheer her up a bit. 

"Sorry" 

She mumbled in barely a whisper and I looked over and put my hand on her shoulder and half smiled. She looked over at me and then back down. I sighed and we got out of the car and went inside. We sat down and waited for the food to come out.  I kept looking over at her. She was just so distant and clearly had a lot on her mind

"Are you alright?"

She didn't answer. She just looked up and looked back down. The pizza came out and I had to laugh watching her eat it like it was the last pizza she was ever going to eat. She looked up and blushed and sank down in her seat

Laughing "No, Cassie it's OK. I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable. It's just funny is all. I have an idea. Why don't we make this a father/daughter night. Just me and you doing fun stuff that you want to do and we can sit and talk about things before we go to the hotel. How does that sound?"

Her eyes lit up and she smiled and nodded. I think we both needed this after everything that's happened. We finished up our pizza and she excitedly got up and headed out to the car. I hadn't seen her this excited in a long time.