Flesh and Blood

Confession

We finished the last of the autographs and I stood up and looked around the room for her. I still couldn't believe I ran into her randomly here. I found her across the room with her boyfriend laughing. She looked so happy and excited. I knew we made the right decision and that there was no way she'd ever be that happy if we had kept her. I was just sad that Savannah wasn't here to see her and how much she's grown. I felt a slap on my shoulder and it made me jump from my thoughts

"Hey what are you doing?"

"I was looking for someone"

"Oh...meeting up with a girl afterwards huh?"

"No. I was looking for the girl who told you her boyfriends name was Seth too."

"Uh...Jon...she was like 15..."

I sighed in annoyance and groaned "No shit! I know that...Gross Colby...No...it's a long story...complicated. You'd never believe me even if I told you."

I stood there and watched her for a few minutes. I was starting to consider the possibility of reopening the adoption on my end. I don't even know if the White's would approve it at this point. I hadn't seen her in 14 years. Maybe if I just open the records so my name and location were available to her. I wanted to give her the option to find me if she ever wanted to when she turned 18. I stood and watched her for a little longer before I started feeling a pair of eyes watching me

"What is with you and this girl?"

"Don't worry about it Colby."

We turned and walked away. We had a plane to catch and I was holding us up. I turned and looked back just one last time and they were gone. I couldn't take my eyes off of where she was and I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted so much to talk to her more, but I knew that I couldn't. I shouldn't. She reminded me so much of Savannah. I shook my head and tried to focus on something else. I needed to just let all of it go. This was a one time, random thing that will never happen again. I should just be happy and grateful this happened at all. 

We exited the building and I lit a cigarette and slowly walked to the car. I put my bag in the trunk and Colby and I stood at the back of the car finishing our cigarettes. I kept feeling like he was staring at me so I looked over

"What?"

"You've been acting weird today. What is your problem?"

"I have a lot on my mind. Plus my birthday is coming up on Sunday and my birthday isn't exactly my most favorite day of the year so I'm just a bit distracted"

I spotted Cassie going to the truck with her boyfriend carrying her on his back. I smiled and tried not to pay much attention. 

"What is with you and this girl? Seriously. And don't tell me I wouldn't understand or that it's long and complicated. We have a long drive so get talking."

I sighed, stomped out the last of my cigarette and got in the car. I wasn't particularly in the mood to tell him anything. At the same time I trust Colby and we've been friends for a really long time. He met Savannah a few times and he knows that she and I had a history, but that's about it. I'd never actually told anyone about Cassie or what happened. It was always just something that Savannah and I kept to ourselves. She told her husband about it when they got married, but he never really understood and that made it hard on her. That's why she finally contacted me out of the blue 6 years ago. Had it really been that long since she died? I felt bad for her son. He was only 4 when she was killed by a drunk driver. I felt worse knowing she was on her way to see me when it happened. I met her husband a few times and he was kind of a jerk. He didn't really like me much and the way she talked about me I couldn't particularly blame him. I wasn't invited to or even told about the funeral. I found out from mutual friends and when her husband found out I was in town specifically for the service he dumped her photo albums, letters and scrapbooks she made about Cassie on the doorstep of my hotel room. I knew it was him. No one else would've known about them. I sat in the back during her funeral away from her family and parents. I wasn't there to cause drama or be a jerk. I just wanted to pay my respects like everyone else. After all of the talking and the songs...right before they closed the casket I made my way up to the front and put two of her favorite pictures of Cassie inside with her and turned and left. I didn't want to stick around for the rest. What I had just done was hard enough

"Hellooooo....earth to Jon...HEY!! You still there??"

I shook my head and looked over "Sorry. Lost in thought again."

"I think it'll make you feel better if you just talk about it. You might as well. We have a couple hours before we reach the airport. If it's some big secret I'm not going to tell. You should know me better than that."

"Where do you want me to start?"

"Where ever you feel comfortable."

"Ok. Well. The girl at the comic con that I kept looking at was my daughter."

"Your what?"

"You heard me. When I was 20 and Savannah was 18 her birth control failed and she got pregnant. I was just starting my independent career to a point where I was making a little money. Savannah had just finished high school. Neither of us was ready, willing or able to take care of a kid. We made the decision to put her up for adoption. About...I don't know...6ish months into the pregnancy we both started getting really attached and we wanted to keep her. BUT we kept telling ourselves and reminding each other that the family we chose were better for her. They were able to give her the life we wanted to, but just couldn't. It seemed like a good thing at first and it was an open adoption so we were able to communicate, visit, see pictures of our daughter. But about 2 years into it I couldn't take it anymore. It was really hard for me and every time I saw pictures of her or Savannah came over and told me stories of her video chats or about talking to her on the phone it just broke my heart. I was so distracted, bitter, angry, frustrated, hurt...I didn't sleep...I started using drugs. I was looking for any excuse not to think about her or see her. So right before Cassie's 2nd birthday I closed my end of the adoption and I told Savannah that I couldn't do it anymore and that I didn't want to talk to her or see her anymore either because it was just too much. We didn't talk for nearly 10 years before I saw her again. You're the first person I've ever told this to. Cassie was born on my 21st birthday so that's why my birthday always sucks. I miss her...every day. I carry around a folded picture of me holding her when she was 12 hours old in my wallet. I'm thinking about reopening the adoption, but only making my  name and address available. I want her to have the option of being able to find me when she's 18."

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I think he was trying to process what I had just told him

"Does she know?"

I shook my head "No. I'm pretty sure she doesn't. I closed the adoption when she was barely 2. Savannah closed her end when she was 3."

"So what does that mean?"

"It means that Cassie has no access to us. She can't get our names or any personal information about us. It's like we sort of don't exist."

"You did that? Why would you do that?"

"I told you...the whole thing was killing me. Having the adoption open meant we had all kind of access to her...provided the White's let us. And they were so nice and accommodating...they were doing anything Savannah wanted. In a way Savannah was using it as a way to hold on to Cassie without having to be a parent. I couldn't do it anymore. I was watching her grow up in pictures and on video chats and what I wanted was her right here with me. I wanted to be the one to see all of that first hand and not in photos. The longer it went on the more it hurt. I couldn't do it anymore."

"So if you reopen it what does that mean?"

Shrugs "I don't want to see her or anything. The only thing I want is to make my name and address available and sealed until she's 18. Once she's 18 she can come find me if she wants." 

"Wow. Man I'm sorry. That has to really hurt. So today was just completely coincidence and random?"

"Yes. I hadn't seen her since she was like...I want to say 2. It was only a few days before our birthday so she was practically 2."

"Wow...I'm sorry I keep saying that I just didn't expect that is all."

"I understand. Do you mind? I kind of don't really want to talk about it anymore."