seahorses and crabs

More To Me

karkats pov

I walk home after school, I can tell im gonna get loaded with a lecture when I come in as kankri would have heard about the fight I had. I walk into my house and am instantly greated by loud lecturing, I ignore my brother and walk up to my room, throwing my bag in the corner. I slam my door shut and I look myself in the mirror as I fix up my cuts.  I clean up my blood and sigh as I take out my grey contact lenses. sitting back in the chair infront of the mirror looking at myself. my messy tangled hair, my pure candy red eyes, my nose, my neck, everything. hating myself more and more the longer I look. I close my eyes as I remember the fight and how it started.

*flashback*

I sit down at lunch in the corridor eating the lunch my father prepared for me. The human whos name was jason comes up to me and pours his drink over my head. I growl and look up at him

"What the fuck was that for?!"

"Oh sorry, I thought you were a bin, my bad dude" he smirks

"Yeah well, I guess only huge pieces of trash can pick out bins cant they?"

"What did you just call me?!"

" I called you a piece of trash"

*punch* " You're gonna regret that, alien!"

I whipe the blood of the corner of my mouth

" No, youre gonna regret that!" I punch him right in the face, making him stagger back.  He looks at me and smirks

" That all you got? Pathetic, just like your life. I've heard the stories going around about what you did in your game session. You lead your team, straight to their death!" he shouts in my face.

The memories of the gog aweful game come back and start flooding my emotions. how I just stood there and watched as feferi and kanaya were blasted, how I watched and did nothing as sollux and eridan fought, how the fear of gamzee killing me scaring me into panicking, experiancing my own death, remembering how much I failed them. I clentch my fists as jason laughs at me

"You're remembering all the useless things you did arent you?! But guess what the most useless thing your doing right now. Waisting space!"

I look down as hes right, what have I ever done to help my friends? nothing.

" Arent you considered a mutant in your own race? You arent even accepted in the speices you are, I mean its bad enough that you're around, but no, your brother has to exist and be ali-"

I cut him off by punching him in the face again

" NO ONE DISSRESPECTS MY BROTHER YOU DILDO FUCKING SLUT SPAWNED DICK FONDLER!"

I punch him in the stomach and face, I kick him in the legs and shin and once in the crotch. he punches me in the face, kicks me where he can and gets me in a choke hold. I break out the move by flipping him on his back and kicking him in the side. He gets up and resumes the fight, and thats when eridan steps in. I didnt notice the crowd that had gathered around me and jason up until that point.

*end of flash back*


I open my eyes and realize I had tears streaming down my face, I whipe them quickly. Everything he said was true, I'm a waste of space, useless, a giant piece of trash...... good for nothing mutant.

I go through to the bathroom and close the door, locking it. I open the cupboard and take out one of the razors, i take out the blade and take a deep breath. I look in the mirror and the hate for myself grows. I look down at the blade, bring it to my arm and drag it across the way, not right down. my candy red blood beguins to leak. I cry quietly and do another one, and another, and another. I soon decide to stop after my 4th cut, I wrap up my arm and clean the blood of the blade and sink. I put the blade back into the razor and put it back in the cupboard. I make sure everything is as it was.

no one would be the wiser....

and who would care to check?...

A/N= this is a very emotional part of the story for me as i was in the same place as karkat. i know what its like to do it, i know what its like to feel like you're worth nothing, that you're a waste of space, an outcast just biding time until your death. but its not true, i had the insane luck of meeting my girl who gave me the determination to stop what i was doing to myself, to look at myself the way she looks at me. it was hard, and very tempting to go back to doing it. but with her help along with the rest of my friends, im clean. the cuts are gone but the scars are still there a little, i work on making them fade by putting scar cream on them. i know the marks will still be there for a long time, but its only a reminder of how i made it through. so if you're doing what karkat is doing, please stop. please, i beg you, dont do what i did. i was stupid, and lonely but not really. you have someone who cares deeply for you and will miss you if you cut the wrong way. but cutting or doing anything to harm yourself is also harming them. do it for them, but also do it for you. please, things will get better! i believe in you.