seahorses and crabs

Becuase of me

Karkats p.o.v

It's the new year, which unfortunately meant that I have to go back to school and face all these people and bullies all while trying to hide my arms. The only good things about coming back to school is that i get to see Eridan again, and talk to Mr Ampora about my thoughts and emotions. 

As I'm walking into the school i see Sollux in the front hall on his phone, i decide to go talk to him as i haven't in a while, hopefully everything is going alright for him. as i walk towards him he looks up and sees me, giving me the kinda look you would give someone you hate. my stomach starts to ache with dread 

"hey Sollux, how are-"

"oh look who finally decided to talk to his friend"

"...uh, are you alright?"

" me? oh yeah! perfectly fine" he gives me a fake smile, my mind starts racing

" sollux you know you cant fool me right? i know when somethings wrong with you"

"And I can tell when something is wrong with you, the only difference is that I'm actually telling the others whats going on with me. Maybe if you hung around with us all once in a while you'd know whats wrong. Whoops, i forgot I'm talking to Mr drama king! " I can tell hes starting to get agitated 

" can you just tell me whats going on? I've been having a tough year.."

He chuckles " You've been having a tough year?! I bet its been just awful! what, did your favorite character die in some shitty rom-com?! I'VE BEEN HAVING A TOUGHER YEAR THAN YOU!"

I jump slightly at his sudden change in tone, I'm really in for it now 

" I'VE BEEN HAVING TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE PRESSURES AND STRESS ABOUT MY GRADES AND HOW WELL I'M DOING SOCIALLY! AND ITS NOT EASY WHEN PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING UP THE GAME. AND OH THE NIGHTMARES I'VE HAD ALL BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T KEEP CONTROL OF YOUR FUCKED UP MOIRAIL OF A CLOWN! but no, you have to act like your life is so hard and unbearable. I bet you don't have a single fucking reason as to why your still here!! Why not do everyone a huge favor and DIE?!"

He freezes, as if hes just realized what hes said. I cant seem to hold back the tears, and I run off. I hear him shouting my name, begging me to come back, but for some reason my feet just keep running away from him, leading me outside to the back of the school. I don't know where I'm going, I'm just running. I collide into someone and end up losing my balance, falling to the floor and landing on my arm, I whimper a little

" well, well, well. look what the cat dragged in" I instantly know and regret who I bumped into. It was jason, the bully from before. I sigh and stand up

" you know no one uses that phrase anymore right?"

" who cares, arent you going to apologize for bumping into me?"

"I don't say sorry when I bump into a trash can, why would I start now?

A sudden ringing in my ear knocks me off balance as I stagger, putting my hand against the corridor wall as I hold my ear. He punched me on the right side of my face, and he was going to again. I quickly duck out the path of his hand and use his momentum to trip him up. He lands on his face and grunts. Standing back up I can see he has a little bit of blood coming from his nose

" you shit, you're faster than I thought"

"and you're dumber than I thought, I just keep getting amazed at how low your intelligence is  "

He loses his patience and swings at me, as I'm about to move out the way I feel one of his friends, Adam, hold me in one spot. I struggle to get out his grip but its no use. I feel Jason's fist hit me right in the stomach, I groan and try to kick him. This Doesn't work and just makes Jason laugh, one punch apparently wasn't enough as he keeps hitting me in the stomach over and over. Once hes done hitting my stomach he starts punching my face, I call out for help but its no use as I'm outside the school. All the while Jason and Adam are laughing as they keep punching me, I'm bleeding from my mouth, nose and from the cuts I'm getting

" You're so pathetic, calling out for help! to bad your boyfriend, eridan,  isn't here to save you this time!"

" hes not my boyfriend but if you hurt him i swear to-" he cuts me off by hitting me in the face

"maybe we should target him next Jason. teach this punk never to mess with us again"

" maybe, just add more pain to his already useless and pointless existence"

" do you think we should stab the faggot, hes been a pain ever since he saved this shitheads ass"

As I hear them say that, the rage builds up and I lose it. I break free from Adam and punch him square in the face full force, there's an echoing crack as his nose breaks. Jason doesn't like this and instantly kicks me in the shin, ignoring the slight pain from that I turn around and engage in a full on fight with him. Kicking, biting, punching and even hair pulling. With one right hook Jason knocks me to the floor, putting his foot on my chest to hold me down. I grunt and struggle to get him off me, this cunt weights a shit tone. He glares down at me

" pathetic little mutant, do everyone a favor-" he throws a dagger down at me "and kill urself"

he gets off me, I look at the dagger. double sided hunting knife, whats he even doing with that around a school!?

" now!"

I look at him " you're kidding right? just because you tell me to kill myself doesn't mean I should, I know I matter to people-"

"not what I heard. My brother goes to the same college as yours, and he tells me that if he talks anymore than what he needs to hes going to beat him up, imagine what would happen if I convinced him to beat your brother up all because you bully me, oh I bet your brother would really hate you then. I bet your father regrets having you, or how ever the fuck you're made. Your friends always talk behind your back, saying how terrible of a leader you were. none of them would care if you killed yourself, I bet they'd actually throw a party to celebrate" 

I think all this over, Kankri would hate me if he got beat up because of me. I cause my dad so much stress he probably does wish he was never related to me. My friends.... Sollux did just shout at me, basically saying he wants me gone........ Jason's right. I take the knife and roll up my sleeves, my scars littering my arms by the many. Jason pauses, I look him in the eyes 

"thanks for showing me how little I matter to everyone...."

" no wait!"

I cut down my arm and the blood starts flowing out. Its so fast but everything feels like its going in slow motion. Everything goes blurry and I get light headed, I hear Jason...I think calling for help? I don't know, everything is muffled and distorted. 

I start thinking about everyone in my life. Sollux I'm so sorry you feel the way you do, you deserve better. Kankri, I know I'm a pain at times but I couldn't have asked for a better brother. Dad, please don't blame yourself, this was all me and I know you never wanted this to happen..... 

Eridan...... I'm sorry I didn't get to tell you how I feel about you. Everyone..........please, forgive me.

I close my eyes, tears streaming down them. Then...

Darkness