Dear Self - May

Letter #1

Dear Self,

Remind me to sleep later but even so, to not forget anything when I wake up. It is hard enough that I pretend every time that I know what those people are talking about. I would stand there like a child not knowing a single thing but just nodding my head in agreement even if I don’t know what or why or when. Mom keeps talking and I stay still quiet, trying to look somewhere. I try to distract myself. I feel dead. Today, I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Wait, I do know. But I just can’t bring myself to do anything. I feel like a little lost kitten. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind yet at the same time I have nothing to think about. Do you get me? I hope you do because I don’t. I looked at myself in the mirror last night and I thought, “That is not me.” I tried to smile but I soon gave up. My expression became so cold again looking so serious but in reality just feeling numb to the bones. I can’t feel anything. I said ‘yes’ repeatedly to every questions that were asked, not even understanding what those questions are about. By reflex, I’d say ‘no’ without a reason but I know it may or may not harm me. I fell in love with psychology, do you know that? You should know. You should because you are me. Even if I did so, today I just sat there staring into space. I was half interested and half disinterested. I was looking for something to do. I want to do something. But, what? I’d wish I can go back in time but that is impossible. Then, I’ll change my wish. I wish I could stop my heart from beating. Though, that would be selfish of me, wouldn’t you think so? Because if I’d wish for that then my parents will be sad, and people who are kind enough to care for my well-being will be in pain. But those thoughts can’t help but invade my head. I have them there.

Do you know that I hate you? If you want to know why, it is because you are me. Every word he said repeats in my head like a broken disc. I asked him last night what does he see when he see me. I pretended that I didn’t quite hear when he said, ‘you.’ Well, of course he sees me. Then he added, ‘only you.’ I looked away and then he spoke once again with those captivating eyes of his that makes me want to cry, ‘the future.’ I was puzzled. I know yet I don’t know. That is why today I tried to erase my emotions. I want them gone because I might hurt someone. I might hurt them.

I feel like talking to you today since I feel as if I need to let something out. I had wanted to talk to someone but who can I turn to? So now I’m turning to you. Maybe or maybe not you’ll hear me out but you don’t have a choice. You will hear me out. Because you are me.

A~