Dear Self - May

Letter #5

Dear Self,

Do you know how disgusted I am of you? You try so hard to paste a smile on your face but you can’t. It shows clearly that sadness is written all over your face. I don’t want to see you like that. I was faced with the mirror and what I see is that awful self of mine that even if she clean herself up, she still look as ugly like what others say she is. I want so bad to slap you in the face but I know that will hurt. And I am only hurting myself if I did so. You are so hateful. I can’t hurt you. But I do. I hurt you. Quite a lot. And you’ve cried enough. You did.

I thought going to work will be good for you. I really thought it would make you feel better. But I guessed wrong. Even your work hates you. Today, an old lady bitched on you huh? She was quite harsh. She said a lot that isn’t even true, even going to your manager telling him lies about your work ethic. Today is such a bad day for you. Your so-called friend started avoiding you, not even saying why he has to. You started feeling lonely. There was no one for you to talk to. There was no one for me to talk to.

How come everyone seems to leave me when I am at my worst?

Why is it that their “helping hand” and words of “I’ll be there” seems to be gone when I need them?

I am feeling so alone.

One after another just for one day. Just for one day everything is falling apart and as I am writing this, tears can’t stop falling from my eyes. I need someone badly. I need at least someone there telling me it is going to be fine. I guess no matter how much I scream for help, no one comes to our rescue. It always just me and you together…

I am so tired of people telling me lies.

I am so tired of people promising they are there but aren’t.

I am so tired seeing you cry and I can’t do anything about it because I’ll be crying as well.

I am so tired.

Everything I’ve got is already taken.

And I thought May is going to be good to me. I guess I am wrong.

You are so hateful. Stop crying. Because no one will come for you. No one will come for me.  

It always ends up with just me and you.

So please, don’t promise me anything also. I am tired of it.

I hate today.

A~