Dear Self - May

Letter #10

Dear Self,

So bad I want to slap you right in the face…you have no idea how angry I am with you. Why have you done that? Why did you give yourself more pain than you already have? You hurt yourself again and on top of that, you refused to eat. You said you weren’t hungry. I forced you to eat; however, it all led to you throwing up in the bathroom. Why’d you harm yourself again? You don’t know how much I want to help you but you don’t want to be helped. You don’t want to. Why?

Your only food of the day consists of gum and water. You said you weren’t hungry. If I could I’d stuff your mouth till your full and could erase all your painful memories up until the day you met him and the previous events before that. If only I have a personal eraser, then every little sad memories written in your history I’d erase and changed. If only. Psychology was supposed to be your favorite class. How come you were falling asleep during the lecture? No matter what had happened to you before, you are always focusing in that class. You knew how to separate your personal matters from school work but how come? You weren’t paying attention at all just like the other day. He visited you again in your mind, didn’t he? I have nothing more to say because if I do, hurtful words are the only ones that’ll come out from my mouth and I don’t want to hurt you all the more.

Even if you didn’t pay attention, one word from psychology class made you look back to your instructor huh? What was the word? It is ‘happiness.’ I’ve never been happy in a long time. All I did was pretend. I buried my emotions deep down till he dug them up for me. Why is that even though he lied and now gone in my life he still able to affect me? He makes me have these emotions I do not want. It hurts. God, it hurts.

Do you know, or should I say do you remember that today commemorates your first broken heart? It happened a year ago with this guy you thought you could trust. He also left you and later even forgot you. How could someone who said that you were everything to them suddenly had a change of heart in just a moment’s confusion?

You are so unlucky.

Very.

And he said I got ‘lucky’ when I met him, more like I got cursed.

I’ve watched you today; you were drowning yourself in sadness. I’ll let you ruin yourself then. I’ll let you be a mess even if it's such an awful sight to see and I’d wish every time I’d be blind so I won’t be able to witness you like this. I’ll let you be.

Just please remember to keep trying even if you are so ready to give up.

Just cry.

I won’t stop you.

Cry.

I’ll be here.

Always.

Unlike those people who hurt you.

I’ll be with you.

Let your tears fall.

Cry.

A~