Dear Self - May

Letter #30

Dear Self,

Hi. Actually I don’t know what to tell you. I have no idea what words should come out from my mouth. Yes, should. What words should I use to speak with you…It gave me another headache for I was racking my brain looking for answers for those questions left unanswered. I still haven’t found you yet. I still haven’t found the key to unlock you from that mirror that’s holding you captive. But the thing is, is the mirror really the one holding you up or am I the one? I think I am the one. The one holding you captive. Plenty of thoughts clouded my mind today. You know why? I know you do. You woke up scared this morning because you saw yourself as a mother and maybe married to him in your dream. Somehow that image of him holding your child in his arms brought you happiness yet sadness and tears filled your eyes because the person you thought should be the one in your future isn’t there. But instead, it was him. All day today you thought of him. All day today you wanted to talk to him. All day today oh how you longed to see him. You were missing him so much. It is weird how when mom keeps talking you just want to shut yourself from the world because you are tired of her bickering. Tired of her telling you what not and what is. Will you be like that in the future? Even if you say you won’t and you don’t want to, at some point you know you will be. I stood there watching my window waiting for the time to pass. It has to pass so the day will end because you know you were waiting for something. You were waiting for something to happen but it was more like you were waiting for someone to disrupt what are suppose to happen so it won’t happen and will never happen. But what is supposed to happen? You don’t even have any idea. You don’t know. You know nothing. Madness filled you today. You were angry. Why does everyone see me? Everyone points at you for every little error others make that you didn’t even do. Why? Can’t they just blame another person for that and not always targeting you? I am so tired of that.

I reminded myself to sleep later but you didn’t. You let thoughts drowned you as you got close to what was keeping your whole being. This whole month was a total sucker. A real roller coaster that I hated so much. You know how I get scared of those. The feeling of falling scares you so much that you cannot even look down at the ground straightly while standing at a great height as those below you that looks like ants kept walking without a problem just going on with their life. I hope one day you find a way. You find your own road. Love and life are two things you don’t want to come across with but you did anyway so it is too late to turn back now and look for something else that maybe will give you happiness.

All my energy was drained.

Today was so slow. The time moved as if it was in slow motion and every movement made seems heavy to the body that it hurts. You didn’t really even do anything. You only think. The brain did all the work. How can you be tired? I know. You are emotionally tired. I get that. Emotionally and mentally, soon however you will also be physically tired to the point that even your brain will stop working. If only there is a rain that will accompany you for the next few days then I know for sure I can leave you alone. But I can’t. I know I can’t. Not yet.

Somehow, this should come to an end. I’ll talk to you next time? All my sadness and concerns I told you. You were a good friend. I looked directly at the mirror and I know you are forever will be kept captive by it. You’ll get out though. You’ll forever be with me.

Wipe those tears from your eyes because this isn’t just a good bye. You know I hate tears when I see them coming from your eyes. So, stop. Don’t make me hate you more than I hate you now.

Mom keeps talking and I saw you covered your ears hurriedly using your hands with your eyes shut, you know how world came to be so dark. Words remained unspoken will remain to be kept in the dim because no one will even want to hear it.

Remind me to sleep later so I can forget. It will be as if I never talked to you at all because somehow at some point you and I both know that this temporary insanity should come to an end. I hate you but I love you though.

This will be my last letter.

I hope to talk to you soon.

Good bye.

A~