Dear Self - May

Letter #23

Dear Self.

Bastard.

What a shitty life.

Then again, that is life.

Your allergies worsen. What to do? This is such a bad timing to be sick. I think I failed my exam today. I think? Wait, I know so. Your eyes can’t stop but produce more tears. Stupid allergy. Your head aches. And this morning you had a fever. You were burning up while taking your exams. It was as if you could have fallen from your seat any moment. I want to have been there to catch you but I wasn’t. With you, I was also sick. Duh! Isn’t that a given? I am you.  

Even so, you still had the energy to watch something with your brother this afternoon after you got home. There was one line in the movie I love you, Beth Cooper that caught your attention: “You aren’t alive, unless you are living.” Somehow, that got to you. What does ‘living’ even meant? Isn’t even enough that you know you are alive because your heart is beating? Or do you have to do something to prove that you are alive? Do something extraordinary maybe? Maybe.

But, what though?

What will it be?

What should I do?

What should be done?

I feel so dead.

Or is it maybe the effect of the medicine? Or my sickness talking? Oh wait! It’s my stupid allergy. He texted, didn’t he? Did he miss me? That was the first thought that came to mind. Did he? I wonder? But he only asked why did you send him a message yesterday, right? I guess he didn’t. I bet he is too busy to even think about you. Or maybe, he is trying to forget you. Maybe.

You have so many ‘ors’ and so many ‘maybes,’ don’t you think it is enough? You should stop thinking about things that won’t even make you feel better.

But, what should be done?

Am I being too emotional because of my fever?

Or being too stupid thinking he will at least miss me?

He doesn’t. He will never. He never did.

STOP.

STOP.RIGHT.THERE.

Don’t.You.Dare.Think.Anymore.

NO!

That is enough!

Ugh. Your tongue is bleeding again. You are so stupid to have accidentally bitten it while eating. Now, you cannot even eat properly because you are being careful not to bite it again but it was hard, huh? It is. It is even hard to talk with both a bleeding tongue and allergies, imagine that? And then, adding the sneezing part.

Sickness has such a bad timing. Even people who want to annoy you. Even people that just barging in inside your mind without permission.

Bastard.

What a shitty life.

Then again, that is life.

After all.

A~