Dear Self - May

Letter #11

Dear Self,

Work.

Work.

Work.

That is what you filled your mind the whole day. You sickened me by showing such a pleasant expression when deep down you don’t even feel anything. You smile at a coworker but you don’t even mean it. You smile at a customer but you don’t even dare look them in the eye. Your eyes looks so tired that I want so bad to cradle you to sleep so at the very least you can make it up from those days you stayed up crying.

Even so, your thoughts always drift away back to the same questions unanswered. If I am pretty as they said, why would he leave? If I am nice as they said, why did he go? If I am unlike the other girls, then why did he break it off? If I am as special as what he said, why did he let go?

Stupid me for believing I’ll forget. Stupid me for believing it’ll work. Stupid me for believing his promises. Stupid me for believing everything won’t change. Stupid me. Stupid me for believing…in him…

Work.

Work.

Work.

I told myself. I am driving myself insane. I am full of madness within me. I am falling apart. God, I want to say I hate you. Why is it that you gave me problems one after another? They aren’t even solved yet and here comes another thing. Why can’t I have a break?

I look at her in the mirror. She is so wounded. Right now she is. And she thought she can do it but everything reminds her of him. That once a upon a time he was her source of strength. She thought she can do anything if there was him. She thought. But that was just a thought. Who would have known… things do change.

Maybe tomorrow. I’ll get better or I’ll get worse. Who knows?

Or maybe, I’ll just lose it.

I’ll just…

Ihateyou!

A~