Dear Self - May

Letter #18

Dear Self,

Well, are you okay? That is a question I want to ask you every day. But I know you didn’t get enough sleep last night. Are you going to be okay today? You didn’t even eat anything yet. You worked too hard that you didn’t noticed that you had missed a meal once again. It was a good thing mom left early to go to work so you won’t end up getting a sermon as a breakfast.

Dad left early also to help uncle. You said you are going to be okay but I am worried. I feel that if I just turn around for a little bit, you’d be lying in the ground lifeless. You need your sleep, sweety. You need your rest. Please, don’t force yourself that much. I am worried.

Brother took you to school today. You said you’ll be okay. Everyone seems worried. It’s not as if something bad will happen. The worst comes to worst you fail your exam today. I doubt it though. I just hope you did fine and you should regain your strength. But I understand. You need out of the house and out of the school also. I know you want to spend time with your friends but please don’t pretend. They also hate that. Just as much as I dislike your fake smile, they also dislike it.

Hey, I feel like going missing for a day. Do you want to come with? I know you feel like going somewhere to hide your face also. I feel it. I know it. I understand. I am you. The fact that I hate you doesn’t change but you are also the one I spend my time with every day that I never got tired of seeing you. I just got tired of seeing how sad you are every time. I just got tired seeing your crying face. I got tired of you pretending you are okay. I am tired of you saying you are okay. I am tired of you trying to make people’s life better but not your own.

He says, you are his angel. Why so? Because you made his life better. How about your life? I want you to be okay. I want you to find your own angel. Who could that be? You have been hurt many times that I know you have given up. Did you also give up on trying? What about searching for me? Are you giving up on ever reuniting with me? I hope not. I want to be able to be with you just like I said, not the help with that despicable mirror that always witnesses you crying. I want to be the one to wipe everything clean on your perfectly red cheeks.

I have missed you.

Today, you should be okay. I hope you will be. I hope you will be full of laughter unlike the days previously and soon you’ll forget about every little problems and issues you have. You need your sleep. You need your strength. You also need… no. I don’t. I won’t.

You’ll be fine.

I hope so.

A~